TeenHealthFX - Answers - He's Isolating Her

Dating Violence & Date Rape / Question
Published: September 1, 2004

Dear TeenHealthFX,

Hi. Boy I hope you can help me; me and my brother grew up being abused. He's 19 now and currently has a girlfriend and a baby girl who's 2 months old. His girlfriend tells me everything she told me he hits her sometimes beats her up, she also said she wishes she could kill herself but the only thing stopping her is that baby. She really needs some help he's isolating her. She can't talk to her friends; she can only talk to me (the only girl she's allowed to talk to). I really want to help her but I can't, can you please help? Please.

Signed: He's Isolating Her

Dear He's Isolating Her,

The most important issue here is that not only is your brother's girlfriend in need of help, but so is your brother. You are right in thinking you cannot handle this situation by yourself. What you can do is encourage each of them to get assistance. Your brother's behavior most likely will not improve on its own and he needs immediate help with his anger and abusive behavior. It is not uncommon for individuals who have been victims of abuse go on to become abusers themselves. This revelation may not be easy for your brother to accept since your childhood years most likely were very painful and he may recoil from any comparisons to your tormentor. However, if he does not change his ways then he is in danger of losing his girlfriend and his daughter.

In the meantime it is also very important for your brother's girlfriend to get help for herself. There are many programs and therapists who specialize in domestic violence. It is important that she develop a support network that will aide her and if necessary, protect her if your brothers violent behavior continues. Sometimes the abuser will only seek help if he/she is in danger of losing the person(s) who have been the victim of his/her abuse or when he/she has been threatened with legal consequences. Counseling will also help her deal with the emotional trauma that occurs from being in an abusive relationship as well help her overcome her suicidal ideation.

You also mention that you were a victim of abuse while growing up. While you may no longer be in the abusive setting, this type of trauma can have lasting effects unless you have been able to work through it. It is also possible that the issue with your brother has brought some painful memories to the surface and causing you some turmoil. You may want to strongly consider therapy for yourself if your have been struggling.

If you would like to find a treatment program to recommend to your brother in your area, you can go to the National Domestic Violence Hotline website and click on "get help in your state." Another helpful website is Men Stopping Violence.

Your brother's girlfriend could contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800) 799.SAFE (7233) (800) 787.3224 (TTY line for deaf callers) 24 hours, 7 days a week.

If either one of them lives in northern New Jersey they can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 888-247-1400 for an appointment.

Signed: TeenHealthFX