Helping Friends And Loved Ones With Their Emotional Issues / Question
Published: December 3, 2002
Dear TeenHealthFX,
My long-term boyfriend opened up to me a while back and told me about his childhood. It was quite traumatic,(he was beat up and picked on and mentally abused terribly by an older brother. No one ever knew) and as a result, he often finds himself depressed and upset. Having been diagnosed with manic depression, and knowing the benefits of getting help earlier than later, I let him know I was here for him, and encouraged him to seek help. The thing is, he is too nervous to tell his mom or dad (he worries they will think it is all their fault for not seeing it sooner, and that they will become depressed themselves, etc etc)and so cannot go to see his family doctor. I know he needs to get help, because it is tearing him up, but I don't want to push him. What can I do to make this easier for him? What other advice can you give?
Signed: Concerned Girlfriend - Boyfriend Abused & Depressed
Dear Concerned Girlfriend - Boyfriend Abused & Depressed,
TeenHealthFX is glad to see that you care about your boyfriend enough to be there for him and encourage him to seek help. This situation is difficult for you because you know he needs help and unfortunately he feels like he cannot confide in his family to get him help. This said, you alone could not be his support system for depression. You still need to encourage him to seek help.
Your boyfriend's tendency to protect his parents from unpleasant issues is causing him harm. Silence is a hurdle that has to be overcome in order to get help. In fact it might be harder for his parents to accept that he would not come to them for assistance. Remember the therapy process is not about projecting blame, but rather to improve family functioning and help the family members feel better. Also it may help him to know that depression has a genetic component which neither he or his parent have control over.
Maybe, you can encourage him to tell his parents that he has just been depressed and needs to speak a professional about it. You can also let him know that what he tells the counselor or professional will usually stay just between them (although there are some exceptions to this rule like suicide and current abuse by an adult). If this seems out of the question, maybe you can encourage him to talk to another adult like a school counselor or nurse. They may be able to get him involved with professional services as well. If he keeps saying no to getting help, you still need to keep recommending it.
As you have already stated, being mentally and physically abused by an older sibling is traumatic. Then add in the fact that it is really getting to him and he is feeling down and depressed. He needs help. Most of the time these types of issues will not resolve themselves on their own. A professional can work with your boyfriend to get through this hard time.
Sometimes depression can lead to suicidal thoughts and feelings. If you feel this is happening to your boyfriend you need to get him help immediately. You may be forced to tell his parents that he is at the least having thoughts of suicide and that he needs help. Or, you can tell your parents and they can help you through this process. A person who is in crisis can call 911 or should get to their local hospital. Your boyfriend could also speak to a crisis counselor about his problems. If he lives in northern New Jersey, he should phone the Atlantic Health System Crisis Hotline at 973.540.0100. Outside this area, he can call National Hope Line at 800.784.2433.
Remember again, you are his girlfriend. You are not a professional and should not have all of the responsibility of helping him. You mentioned that you suffer from manic depression so FX is sure that you know how hard it can be to deal with this disorder. He needs professional help from a doctor and a therapist. You can be there for him as a friend.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
Suicide is the third leading cause of death among youths ages 15 to 20. 
