TeenHealthFX - Answers - Abuse or Doing His Job As Dad

Family Abuse And Violence / Question
Published: July 3, 2003

Dear TeenHealthFX,

Hi, I am currently a 16 year old male. When I was five years old, my dad used to hit me for no reason. Then tells me that its for my own good. When I was in 5th-8th grade, I Couldn't come home later than 3:00pm and school ends at 2:40. If I did come home even a second late, my dad would take a knife and put it near my throat. When I later ask him why he did that to me, he said that its for my own good. There was also this incident when he suddenly came into my room. I was surprised, so I accidently dropped some photos onto the floor. He then chased me outside, and threw rocks at me. I was 13 at that time, and since I wore sandles he caught up to me. He then, Took both of his hands and pulled on the back of my neck. My knees had scratches on it, and of course blood was gushing from my knees. WHen I got up the police came. The officer asked me, If my dad was hurting me. I still love my dad because he does support our family with 2 jobs.Also how would my mother react if I put my dad behind bars! So I said: "No, I tripped and fell" When I was 16 I accidentily coughed at the dinner table. He then tried to hit me. But now I was bigger than he was, so I threatened that I would fight back if he hits me. After that day he would never touch me again. Do you think my father is abusing me or doing his job as a father. Thanks!

Signed: Abuse or Doing His Job As Dad

Dear Abuse or Doing His Job As Dad,

TeenHealthFX thinks your father's discipline, as you describe it, is/was clearly abusive - it was not his job to do as a father. Not only were his demands on you unrealistic, but also the consequences for not meeting these demands were too severe to be considered proper punishment. Holding a knife to your throat, and chasing you and holding you by the throat are not suitable as punishments for anything. Having the police respond to one of these incidents are indications that your father was out of control.

Your father may be under much stress by working two jobs, but you are not an outlet for his frustrations - it does not entitle him to physically or emotionally harm anyone. You may love your father very much and may not want to disrupt your family but you also have the right to feel safe and loved in your own home.

Although your father backed off the last time he tried to hit you, it does not diminish what has gone on in the past. Being physically abused by a parent is a traumatic event. Counseling can help you deal with your emotions It may be best to discuss this situation with your mother, a trusted adult, guidance counselor or friend. While the abuse has stopped for now there is also no guarantee your father will not hurt you again. You father needs counseling to help him deal with his aggressive behavior.

Talk to your mom about what is going on - it is her job to protect you from abuse. If your mother does not do anything about this, you can confide in an adult such as a teacher, school counselor or school nurse. These individuals are then required (by law) to report the abuse to the Division of Youth and Family Services (DYFS) in New Jersey or Child Protective Services in other states. They will then conduct an investigation to determine if abuse or neglect is taking place. If abuse is taking place then the family will be required to attend counseling or the child will be removed to a safer environment. You can also call child protective services yourself. In New Jersey, call 800.792.8610 or 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) nationwide.

Telling on a parent may seem like a betrayal but what you are actually doing is standing up for yourself. There is no justification for abusing a child and any outcome from the incident is the fault of the abuser and not the victim. Hopefully your actions will result in a positive change for the entire family.

Signed: TeenHealthFX