TeenHealthFX - Answers - Raped When I Was 13

Childhood Sexual Abuse / Question
Published: July 26, 2006

Dear TeenHealthFX,

Hi my name is *** I'm 16 years old, I got raped when I was 13 years old. I haven’t and won’t tell my parents because I know they will think I provoked it or I have the fault. I know my parents wont believe me. But I’m worried because I haven’t gotten my period since Feb. 1, I read about irregular periods and I think that’s the reason. But my mom asked me when was the last time I got my period I told her that 3 months, and now she thinks I’m pregnant and having sex. She told me she was going to take me to the doctor to see if I’m still a virgin. I’m really scared because she’s going to find out I’m not, and think that I am having sex and will get mad. And if I tell her that I got raped she’s not going to believe me. That’s another reason I don’t want to tell her what happened to me. She’s going to think I’m making it up. My question is can my mom take me to the doctor to check if I’m still a virgin? What are my rights? I hope you can answer my questions because I’m really scared and worried.

Signed: Raped When I Was 13

Dear Raped When I Was 13,

TeenHealthFX can appreciate from your letter how scared and worried you are about this situation. There are a few reactions FX has to what you are saying – so we’ll start with the doctor’s appointment and your irregular periods first. If your mother takes you to the doctor there is no examination that can be performed that you determine for sure whether or not you have had sex in the past. If an examination is done on a female immediately after a rape it is possible to tell if intercourse occurred because there would most likely be semen present, and there would also most likely be bruising or tears evident from forced penetration. But since you were raped three years ago, this type of evidence of a rape would no longer be present. In addition, while a girl’s hymen can break due to sexual intercourse, it can also break from participating in other activities, such as horseback riding. So even if a doctor saw that your hymen was broken, it would not guarantee that you have had sex.

As for your irregular periods, there are many things that could account for that. Since you were raped three years ago, it is unlikely that the rape is directly affecting your menstrual cycle at this time. However, it is possible that emotional stress you are feeling – connected to the rape, keeping it a secret, and worrying about your parents’ reactions – could be impacting your cycle. In addition to stress, menstrual cycles can be irregular for teens for several years just as a normal part of development. They can also be altered by poor diet/nutrition or over-exercising.

In terms of the rape itself and your fear about your parents’ reactions to it, FX thinks that it is very important that you speak to someone about this and that your parents eventually be informed about what happened to you. It is common for victims of sexual abuse, and sometimes the people close to them, to view what happened as the victim’s fault or brought on by some kind of provocations on the victim’s part. The fact is that it is absolutely untrue. The only person at fault for raping you was the person who committed the rape. You were not to blame, you were not at fault, and you were in no way responsible for what was done to you. This is one of the reasons it is important for you and your family to meet with someone who specializes in working with victims of sexual assault – to address this issue of fault and blame. It is not healthy for you to blame yourself, and as you are experiencing, it is not at all helpful to you for your parents to put any kind of blame on you or disbelieve you.

FX suggests that you start out by talking to someone at school – a school social worker, psychologist, guidance counselor or any other trusted adult you know. Tell them you need to discuss something with them, and that, although it scares you, you would like to talk to you parents about this situation – but that first you need to talk out some of your fears and concerns with them before involving any other adults. Let them know that this is about a situation that happened years ago – since that is the case, the person may be more willing to go at your pace in terms of giving you the support and guidance you need in order for you to feel okay to tell your parents. Then, it is important that you get set up with a therapist trained in dealing with victims of sexual abuse to work with you and your family. You obviously and understandably have many negative emotions about this terrible experience to work through, which a therapist can help with. And while your parents may react just as you suspected initially, they need to be involved in the therapy to be educated about the situation and, in time, to learn how to be helpful and supportive of you during a very difficult period of your life.

FX knows that what we are asking will be difficult and scary for you. But it is important for your emotional well-being that you not go through this alone, and that you not live with the fear that you will forever be criticized, disbelieved, or judged by your parents for something that was not your fault.

If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area.

You can also contact the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAIN) at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673), 24 hours, 7days a week.

Signed: TeenHealthFX