TeenHealthFX - Answers - Grieving The Death Of My Dog

Death & Dying / Question
Published: February 18, 2008

Dear TeenHealthFX,

I'm 18 and I am having a problem with grief. My dog died 3 years ago and I am still upset about it. I know that other people have had more significant losses, like the death of their parents. This is why I feel like an idiot for bringing this up. I have never had friends, so my dog was my best friend. Also, I have been struggling with depression for years. I know you would recommend to see a therapist, but I have been. In fact, I am now starting out with my 4th therapist. I have told all 3 of the previous therapists that I have been having a lot of trouble with the grief, as well as depression. I know that everyone grieves at their own pace, but I really think that after 3 years, this is not normal. I can't talk to anyone else about it because they just tell me, "It was just a dog, you can always get a new one." I want to get a new one, but that is a whole different set of problems, as it is clear that my parents don't want to get another dog. I can't get my own dog, because I am in college and I can't have a pet in the dorm. When my dog used to be with me, she was the only one there for me when I was lonely and depressed. Now that she's gone, I want to die, too. It really annoys me because all I can think about every day is how pointless my life is and how I can't wait for it to end, so I won't have to feel any more pain. Am I stupid to be this upset?

Signed: Grieving The Death Of My Dog

Dear Grieving The Death Of My Dog,

TeenHealthFX is sorry to hear that you have been feeling in so much pain for so long. We definitely do not think you are an “idiot” for bringing this up or “stupid” for being this upset about the death of your dog. The relationships some people have with their animals can be extremely important and special for a variety of reasons – and so the loss of an animal can feel just as devastating to some as the loss of a close relative or friend.

While there is a grieving process that everyone must go through at his/her own pace, FX agrees with you that three years of grieving in the same way and with the same intensity indicates that there are other issues here that probably need to be addressed. FX assumes that your dog and the relationship you had with him/her filled a space within you that remains empty – and that is partially why this loss continues to feel so terrible, because this void has not been filled. FX also wonders if you have experienced other types of loss before in your life, and that the death of your dog triggered something in you about all the loss you have experienced.

FX does think that in time you can feel better and in less pain about this. To do this, FX recommends that you consider the following:

If you think you might be depressed, discuss this with your therapist. Part of the problem here is that you may be dealing with a mood disorder that is not being properly treated. You may benefit from taking an anti-depressant, and it may also be helpful for you to spend some time discussing with your therapist what triggers depressive episodes for you and how to deal with them when they occur.
Think about, and speak with your therapist about, what you have experienced in your life as far as loss besides the death of your dog. Loss can take many shapes and forms – we may feel loss if someone dies, if our parents divorce, if we have a parent who works a lot and is not home much, if we have not felt nurtured and loved by those closest to us, and more. Again, FX wonders if the death of your dog has triggered other feelings of loss for you and that is why your grieving has persisted for so long.
Think about, and speak with your therapist about, what was so special about your relationship with your dog. What did the relationship feel like? How did you feel when you were with your dog? And is there any person with whom you have ever felt the same way? For example, if you felt safe with your dog, loved by your dog, and like your dog was attuned to you and would comfort you when you were feeling down – are there any people in your life where you feel similarly? If not, it is important to talk about this with your therapist – what that has meant to you and how to create more relationships like this in your life with people as well as with animals.

If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers.

If you get to the point that you are seriously considering suicide or are afraid of your impulses then you need to seek help immediately. You can call 911 or go to your nearest hospital emergency room. In northern New Jersey you can also call the crisis hotline from Morristown Memorial hospital at 973-540-0100. Outside this area call the Suicide & Crisis Hotline, 1-800-999-9999, 24 hours, 7 days a week.

Signed: TeenHealthFX