Helping Friends/Loved Ones Who Are Suicidal Or In Abusive Situations / Question
Published: April 30, 2008
Dear TeenHealthFX,
I was raped and emotionally abused by my boyfriend 3 years ago. I only told one friend about it and she basically told me that I must have done something to deserve it. This hurt me and for a long time I believed I did something. Well now I am seeing this great guy. We have been friends for 2 years and recently started dating. I act weird around him sometimes and have issues with intimacy. I noticed it is creating a barrier between us. Should I tell him about the rape and abuse? I'm scared that he will react the same as my ex-friend.
Signed: Raped And Abused By Boyfriend Three Years Ago
Dear Raped And Abused By Boyfriend Three Years Ago,
TeenHealthFX would first like to say that we are very sorry that you were raped and emotionally abused by a boyfriend three years ago – that is a frightening and painful ordeal that nobody should have to go through. FX also wants to stress that we STRONGLY disagree with what your friend told you. People who are raped and abused are not bad people who acted in some particular way to warrant what was done to them. The responsibility and problem in a situation like yours lies with the perpetrator alone. You did NOTHING to deserve the rape and abuse your ex-boyfriend inflicted upon you – the ONLY person at fault was him.
In terms of the issue you are having with your current boyfriend, if you are noticing that the feelings and thoughts you are experiencing related to your rape and abuse are creating a barrier in your relationship with him, there are a couple of things you can do. You can speak with your boyfriend about what happened to you. Before you tell him about the details of the rape and abuse, you might start by letting him know that you have something important and serious to discuss with him, but that you are very worried he might react in a critical or blaming way. If you find he reacts to that statement in a supportive way, explain to him what happened to you, and them let him know that you have concerns about how these past experiences are currently affecting physical and emotional intimacy between the two of you.
In addition to, or instead of speaking to your boyfriend right away, you could also start off by getting yourself into treatment with a mental health professional trained in dealing with victims of abuse and rape. FX thinks that it might be helpful for you to address the feelings and thoughts you are having that are interfering with your current relationship, as well as to work through any feelings of self-blame you might be having about what happened to you (common for many victims of sexual assault). By starting to work through this, it will hopefully help to reduce any intimacy issues between you and your boyfriend. And if you feel hesitant about talking to your boyfriend about this right away, your therapist could help you to come up with a plan of how to talk to him in a way that will feel safe and comfortable for you.
If you live in northern
Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAIN), 1-800-656-HOPE (4673), 24 hours, 7days a week or visit www.rainn.org.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
About 44% of rape victims are under age 18. Three out of every twenty victims (15%) are under age 12. 
