Helping Friends And Loved Ones With Their Emotional Issues / Question
Published: August 27, 2008
Dear TeenHealthFX,
Well, I'm a 19 year old girl, that really isn't going to be a teen for long, but I need help and advice. I've been going out with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. When I first met him he told me a lot about himself, about him and his family. He told me some history about his real father (his mom is remarried and he now lives with his stepdad and mother). But his real father was not a nice man, and suffered from some mental problems. He told me that his father had bipolar disorder, and that his older brother may have it too. That was 3 years ago. Now, I think he may have it, and I think he knows he has it now too. He's been having lots of mood swings. Nothing really terrible, just mood swings that I thought and think make him who he is. In other words, when something really upsets him, he freaks out, and sometimes can get scary, but has never hurt me. Or sometimes he will be really depressed and not speak for days. Today however he told me that there was something wrong with him. Telling me, "There's something wrong with my head." He didn't tell me what, but I guess he forgot that 3 years ago he told me about his father's conditions and I'm assuming he may have BD. He told me he wanted a break, and after hours and hours of talking, crying, and listening to each other, we decided to stay together as long as I let him deal with his problem alone. But there lies my problem. I'm scared. I've been reading on BD and I know he can't get rid of this problem alone. I'm not sure if he has it, yet I'm not sure if he's ok either. The consequences seem very terrible if he doesn't get professional help or at least find out if he really has it. He's told me though, to not tell anyone that he's been feeling this way. I asked him if maybe he was ashamed that I would find out, or what his parents will think of him... He told me he was scared of that. I'm really scared that he's going to let this fear ruin his chances of getting treatment or getting better. I don't know what to do.
Signed: Scared That Boyfriend May Not Get Treatment For His Bipolar Disorder
Dear Scared That Boyfriend May Not Get Treatment For His Bipolar Disorder,
TeenHealthFX appreciates the difficulty of the dilemma you now find yourself in – that you are concerned that your boyfriend is not seeking out the help he needs, but he made you promise that to stay in the relationship you have to stay out of it.
You and your boyfriend are right to be concerned that he may have bipolar disorder if he is experiencing symptoms of manic and depressive episodes and with the history of the disease in the family (as genetics is one of several factors believed to contribute to bipolar disorder). FX wonders if part of your boyfriend’s reluctance to seek help is that he is scared to think of himself as having bipolar disorder like his father – the fear of whether having the same mental illness will mean that he will be exactly like his biological father (“not a nice man,” as you said, and whatever other negatives he may associate with him).
The fact is that many people living with bipolar disorder need help from those around them to give them the encouragement and support to seek out treatment. Some people with bipolar disorder do not realize how impaired they are, others blame their problems on things other than the illness, some worry what treatment will entail and what it will mean to be engaged in treatment for a long period of time, and some experience feelings of embarrassment or shame. For these reasons, it may be necessary for the loved ones of people with bipolar disorder to take them to their evaluations and appointments and provide ongoing support and encouragement throughout treatment.
As hard as this may be, if you truly care about your boyfriend you need to let him know that you will not just stand aside and watch him deal with this without any kind of support, treatment, help or guidance. Tell him that you love him, and being loving to him does not mean taking a backseat while he deals with this alone, but being there for him to ensure he gets the help he needs and had adequate support. Print out the question and answer to “What Happens When Someone Is Bipolar And They Don’t Take Their Meds?” and “Is Bipolar Disorder Genetic” under the Other Mental Illnesses section of the Emotional Health category of the website. The answer to these questions gives basic information on bipolar disorder. FX thinks what needs to be highlighted for your boyfriend are the following points from this article:
- Manic and depressive episodes can increase in intensity and frequency if the illness is left untreated. So it is very important for people with bipolar disorder to be assessed and put on a treatment plan as soon as possible.
- While bipolar disorder can’t be cured, with medication and “talk” therapy, most people find that the disease can be managed very well, allowing them to lead very normal lives. If his father was not a nice person and had bipolar disorder, it doesn’t mean that because your boyfriend may have bipolar disorder he is not a nice person.
- There are other medical and mental health illnesses that can easily be confused with bipolar disease (such as thyroid problems, head trauma, ADHD, and panic disorder – to name a few) – so it is important to rule out these other conditions and ensure that it really is Bipolar Disorder that is causing the current symptoms.
- Your boyfriend is not to blame for having bipolar disorder (if he does have it) and it does not make him less-than. There are biochemical, genetic, and environmental factors involved in terms of what is believed to contribute to bipolar disorder – causes that he had nothing to do with.
If giving your boyfriend this information does not encourage him to get evaluated by a professional, then FX suggests your next tactic be to encourage him to meet with a therapist to sort out his current feelings and what he wants to do about the dilemma he is in. If he is worried what his parents will think, he could simply tell them he would like to meet with a therapist to “sort some things out.” Stress to him that the therapist can be there for him with guidance and support, and to help him decide how he wants to handle this stressful situation.
If your boyfriend still refuses to take any action, then FX thinks you need to talk to a trusted adult – and to let your boyfriend know that you plan on doing this beforehand. He may be angry and he may threaten to end the relationship. But it is important that his parents know about what he is going through – whether you tell them directly or another adult talks to them about this. It sounds like if your boyfriend could experience their help and support it would be significantly beneficial in his decision to seek out treatment. In addition, the more people you have on your side encouraging him to get help, the more likely it will be that he will follow through.
FX would also like you to keep in mind that like many other serious illnesses, bipolar disorder can be hard on significant others, family members, friends, employers, and teachers. It is recommended that family members and friends seek out sources where they can receive education about the disease and support for how this illness indirectly affects them. FX recommends that you ensure you have someone you can talk to about this – dealing with this current phase of the problem, but also dealing with any problems that might come up in the future in terms of what it might mean for you to be in a dating relationship with someone with bipolar disorder.
FX thinks that it is important your boyfriend be evaluated and that he receive treatment for bipolar disorder, if needed. FX also thinks it is important for you to have your own help in support as you deal with him about all of this and continue in your relationship together. FX hopes you will not stay silent about this any longer, but will voice your opinions and concerns with your boyfriend and other trusted adults around you.
If you or your boyfriend live in northern
Many people with bipolar disorder benefit from joining support groups such as those sponsored by the National Depressive and Manic Depressive Association (NDMDA), the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI), and the National Mental Health Association (NMHA). Families and friends can also benefit from support groups offered by these organizations.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
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