TeenHealthFX - Answers - 14 And Hate The Way I Look

Self-Confidence & Self-Esteem Issues / Question
Published: September 3, 2008

Dear TeenHealthFX,

I'm almost 14 years old and I absolutely hate the way I look. I gained a lot of wait really quickly when going threw a stressful period and I ended up with stretch marks all over my body. Upon that I have Keratosis Pilaris which causes lots of little pimple like bumps on my arms and legs. To make everything worse my mom is always telling me I need to lose weight and calls me chubby and unhealthy. Ever since I started homeschooling I haven't been able to get out much. And now that I look the way I do I dread going outside. Living in a small town where everyone knows you makes it all the worse. My one and only friend is practically a supermodel. Shes tall and blond and gorgeous. I love her more than I love my own sister but I find it hard to hang out with her because when I stand next to her I look like a troll. I can't help being horribly jealous of her. Lately I've been thinking about becoming anorexic, I know the consequences and how bad I could hurt myself but I'd rather die than look the way I do for much longer. Please help.

Signed: 14 And Hate The Way I Look

Dear 14 And Hate The Way I Look,

TeenHealthFX is so sorry to hear that you are feeling so distraught about the way you look. Feeling so poorly about oneself is a terrible way to live – so FX can appreciate the despair you may be feeling right now. However, we do not think that becoming anorexic is the answer – that will only plague you with a whole new set of problems. However, we do feel there are some definite steps you can take to deal with these various issues to help you to feel better about yourself and your appearance. Since you’ve brought up several issues to FX, we will go through them one by one.

Weight gain:

You mentioned that your weight gain was a result of overeating during a stressful time in your life. This can occur for many people – food becomes a quick way to self-soothe during times when they feel sad, angry, lonely, or stressed. If you have a tendency to overeat when you are dealing with stress (or other negative emotions, like many people do), there are a couple of things you can do. The first is to figure out what is stressing you out or bothering you. Is that stress being addressed and dealt with adequately or is it being swept under the rug? It is also important to come up with alternate coping mechanisms and ways to deal with stress and negative emotions. Whether it is journaling, exercise, talking out your feelings to someone, or anything else that helps you to de-stress – it is important to develop some alternates to eating.

FX also suggests that you start exercising on a regular basis. Not only will this help you to maintain a healthy weight, it can also be a great way to let off steam and elevate your mood. If you need help with starting an exercise program, you can speak with your doctor or a personal trainer who has experience in working with teens.

FX also wonders if it would help for you to meet with a mental health professional. Overeating can be a symptom of certain mental illnesses, such as depression. It might be helpful to have a consultation so that the presence of any mental illnesses can be ruled out. Even if you are not dealing with any kind of mental illness, a therapist can still be helpful in terms of working with you around dealing with your stress in healthier ways.

Mother’s response to my weight gain:

Your mother’s comments about your weight may be well-intentioned because she cares about your physical and emotional well-being. However, comments such as these often end up doing more harm than good. FX thinks the first thing you need to do is to let you mother know that these kinds of comments are extremely hurtful to you and that they do not at all help you to make any kind of positive changes – if anything they might make you feel less motivated to work towards any positive goals. It is important that your mother is aware as to how her comments or reactions are affecting you. In addition, if there are things your mother could do to help (i.e., exercise with you so you have an exercise partner, stock the kitchen with healthier foods and snacks, or take you to the doctor or a therapist to deal with the weight gain), let her know about that as well. You could say something like, “I know you are trying to help, but when you make those kinds of comments about my weight [give her some examples] it makes me feel really awful and it doesn’t help. If you want to help, then you could do these things [and then list what she could do to be helpful].”

If you find that you and your mother are not able to successfully resolve this issue (or any others in the relationship) on your own, then FX suggests that the two of you meet with a family therapist. A family therapist can work with you both on understanding what changes need to be made in the relationship so that the two of you can feel closer and more supported by one another.

Keratosis Pilaris:

Any kind of problematic skin condition, including Keratosis Pilaris, can be very hard to deal with. People often feel embarrassed or less than because of these skin conditions, and many people tend to isolate and avoid socializing due to these feelings. But FX wants you to remember two things: Your Keratosis Pilaris does not take away from how special and wonderful and you. And if you are truly troubled by this there are treatment options to consider.

In terms of treatment, FX recommends that you meet with your primary care physician, or more preferably, a dermatologist (a doctor who specializes in skin conditions). There are many different types of topical creams that a doctor can recommend or prescribe, such as Ammonium lactate, Urea, topical corticosteroids, and topical retinoids.

There are also self-help measures you can take to improve the appearance of your skin:

Be gentle when washing your skin. Vigorous scrubbing or removal of the plugs may only irritate your skin more and aggravate the condition.
Gently wash your skin with a moisturizing soap (Dove and Aveeno products are often recommended by medical professioanls).
After washing or bathing, gently pat or blot your skin dry with a towel so that some of the moisture remains on the skin.
Apply a moisturizing lotion or lubricating cream while your skin is still moist from bathing. Choose a moisturizer that contains urea or propylene glycol, chemicals that soften dry, rough skin. (Your doctor or pharmacist can make some recommendations as to brand).
Apply an over-the-counter product that contains lactic acid 2x per day. Lactic acid helps remove extra keratin from the surface of the skin. (Again, your doctor or pharmacist can recommend a good product).
Use a portable home humidifier or one attached to your furnace to add moisture to the air inside your home.

Home-schooling/socializing:

FX is curious as to why you are being home-schooled and whether this is really the best decision for you. Going to school is important for children and teens in terms of getting an education on various academic topics. However, it is also extremely important in terms of helping children and teens learn how to socialize and build relationships with their peers. FX recommends that you speak with your mother about this issue of socializing. Perhaps you can review whether or not the home-schooling is really necessary since it separates you from your peers. If you have to be home-schooled, then FX thinks that you and your mother need to come up with a plan as to how you can incorporate activities into you week that allow you to be with your peers. Whether you join town sports teams, take art, music, or dance classes with peers, get a PT job that will allow you to be with other teens, do volunteer work with teens, go to a sleep away camp during the summer, or whatever else. It is imperative that you make time for yourself to make more friends and to regularly spend time with them.

Jealous of friend:

Your thought pattern right now involves a lot of criticism towards yourself and comparing of yourself to your friend. The way we think can often affect the way we feel – and FX thinks that these negative thought patterns you are having about yourself are contributing to your feeling so badly. FX thinks that it is important that you do a few exercises that will help to change the way you think. They may seem small and silly, but they are designed to gradually change the way you think and look at things. Some things you can do include:

Every morning and every night, look in the mirror and say something about yourself which is positive.
Keep a journal. Each night write down anywhere from two to five things that happened that day that you were grateful for.
If you find that you are comparing yourself to your friend in a negative way, stop yourself and say something about yourself that is positive.
Keep a list of your positive qualities. As time goes on, keep adding to the list every time you become aware of a new positive quality.

FX also thinks it would important for you to think about what your talents and skills are and how you can use them in a productive way. Whether you are athletic, artistic, musical, a good writer, a good volunteer, a hard worker – find an area where you can use these talents on a regular basis. The more you do things that you can feel proud about, the more you will feel good about yourself and value who you are as a person.

Low self-esteem can also be a symptom of certain mental illnesses, such as depression. So, again, you may want to consider meeting with a mental health professional for guidance and support with this issue if you find that these negative thoughts are persisting.

FX hopes that some of these suggestions will prove to be helpful to you. We also hope that you will reach out to some of the adults around you for further help and guidance with these issues as nobody should have to deal with these issues and feelings all alone. While you may feel terribly now about so many of these issues, know that things can get better with some time and work.

If you don't have a doctor and live in northern New Jersey, you can call the Adolescent/Young Adult Center for Health at 973-971-6475 for an appointment or contact your local teen health center. You can also contact Girl’s Street – A Young Woman’s Health Program – at 908.522.2555 if you live in northern New Jersey. To find primary care physicians or dermatologists in your area, you can also contact your insurance company for in-network providers in your area.

If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

Signed: TeenHealthFX