TeenHealthFX - Answers - My Guardians Are Temperamental People

Depression / Question
Published: September 8, 2008

Dear TeenHealthFX,

I live with my guardians and their 3 kids who are 4, 9 and my age which is 1.My Guardians are very tempermental people.They are often unfair and they get mad a lot without even finding out what happened.They both realize when the other is being very unfair but they fail to speak up to defend us and they can be unfair.My Aunt when she is mad which is often will tell my couisin things like youre an idiot,Im going to shoot you,Ill put this ruler through your head and other things which are mean.They often criticize and shout and most of the times it is for very small or nonexistent things.I have become nervous and irritable and sometimes unable to sleep or eat and I often try to stay away from them.It is really hard to predict when they are going to be in a mood.I only have 9 monthes till I go off to college but I don’t want to live in this environment.After their critisizms I often feel really depressed like I want to kill myself. Nobody would believe this because they are so fake and charming. I am already depressed and they make it worse. I don’t know how to deal with this I am so scared I will hurt myself.They should have never had children.

Signed: My Guardians Are Temperamental People

Dear My Guardians Are Temperamental People,

TeenHealthFX is very sorry to hear about your living situation. We would think that this situation would be extremely difficult on two counts. The first is that you are not able to be with your parents (for whatever reason), and the second that you have to live in a house where the people who take care of you have difficulty controlling their emotions and tend to say hurtful, even abusive things.

With nine months to go until you are at college, you have a couple of options as to how you can deal with this. FX suggests you think about doing some or all of the following:

You and your guardians can go to family therapy to address these relationship issues. If you are unable to convince them on your own to go, perhaps you could seek out the help of another adult to intervene and advocate for you – maybe an extended family member, close friend of the family, or teacher or counselor from school.
Build up your support system and ensure that you have people you can talk to about this. Friends can be a great support when you need someone to talk to and lean on. And school counselors and private therapists can be very helpful in terms of being there with support and also helping you learn how to cope you’re your guardians’ behaviors and temperaments.
Find constructive activities that will give you positive places to be as opposed to having to be at home so much. Whether you join a sports team, work on your school yearbook, get a PT time job, do volunteer work, join your school theater group, do your homework at the library rather that home, or whatever else interests you or gets you out of the house – think about healthy environments where you can spend a good deal of your time.
If you are concerned about the level of emotional abuse in the house in terms of your guardians’ manner of speaking to the children in the home (or if any physical abuse is occurring as well), consider speaking with a school counselor or private therapist about whether it would make sense to involve your local child protective services. Depending on the severity of the situation, child protective services might come in to assess the situation and mandate treatment for everyone in the family to address these issues. However, FX does recommend you speak with a trusted adult about this first to give all the details of what occurs at home in order to decide if this is a reportable situation.
Is there anywhere else you could live for the next nine months that would be a better environment for you and that you guardians would agree to? Perhaps you could live with other relatives or a close friend for this time.
Remind yourself that while 9 months feels like an eternity to you because of the situation you are in, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will soon be out on your own. You will have the option once you are out of the house to live however you want – to surround yourself with positive people, to create a happy home for yourself, to be loving to your own children if you choose to have any down the road – for the majority of your life you will not have to live with them and you will be able to make your life and your home life however you want it to be.

If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

If you get to the point that you are seriously considering suicide or are afraid of your impulses then you need to seek help immediately. You can call 911 or go to your nearest hospital emergency room. In northern New Jersey you can also call the crisis hotline from Morristown Memorial hospital at 973-540-0100. Outside this area call the Suicide & Crisis Hotline, 1-800-999-9999, 24 hours, 7 days a week.

Signed: TeenHealthFX