Childhood Sexual Abuse / Question
Published: October 20, 2008
Dear TeenHealthFX,
Before continuing, here are some facts about me to give you a better understanding of my situation. -I am a 16 year old boy -I do go to a psychologist once a week, but i feel as though that's not enough help. - I am a virgin (to oral sex and intercourse) When i was five, i had this babysitter (male, about 16 years old) who would come over once a week. He was very friendly and things were going great until he started sexually and physically abusing me. this happened three times over the course of three weeks. i was so fearful of him seriously hurting me that i didn't tell my parents until we were on vacation days after the third week. at first he started touching me and pushing me, but it got more intense every time he came over. The last time he came over, he forced me to give him a blowjob, and then forced me to lay down on my back and let him give me one. The one key thing i remember was he never ejaculated while i was forced to pleasure him, so i am absolutely sure i have not contracted any STD's. I later told my dad about it and he talked to the kid's parents. to this day i have not seen or heard from him since the incident. Memories of the incident have crept into my mind every single day for a few years now and i feel extremely violated. Because of the incident, part of me wants to hook up with a girl and receive oral sex VERY badly, and part of me wants to wait a while, have a legitimate girlfriend, and not rush things. I've come to realize that after i get head for the first time, i know it will wipe the slate clean and i will be bothered about my childhood incident much much less. So here's my question: Should I try to hook up with one of the more slutty girls in my school and just get oral sex over with, or should i try very hard not to rush things in a solid relationship with a more proper girl? either way the incident from my childhood pushes me from one decision to the other quite often and i don't know what to do.
Signed: Want To Wipe The Slate Clean Of My Past Sexual Abuse
Dear Want To Wipe The Slate Clean Of My Past Sexual Abuse,
TeenHealthFX is very sorry that you had to go through such horrible experiences with your sitter when you were five years old. He had absolutely no right to violate you in the way he did, and it’s understandable that his actions had a significant impact on you. FX can appreciate that at 16 years old, going through your own sexual development, these experiences are feeling particularly haunting and you are seeking out a way to be able to move on in this area.
However, FX is concerned about whether or not receiving oral sex with a female is really going to make all of the negative feelings you have about your experiences go away. Many people who have been sexually abused want to erase the thoughts, memories, and feelings connected to their abuse – but, unfortunately, there is really no quick fix for this. In addition, it sounds like you value the idea of being physically intimate with someone you feel close to. So hooking up with some random girl might bring on a whole other set of problems in terms of emotionally how you might end up feeling or as far as being at any risk for contracting an STD by being sexually active with a girl you know has been sexually active with many others.
Sexual assault is about power, control, and anger. It has nothing to do with being caring, loving, or respectful of another person. FX thinks that it is important for you to eventually learn how to have sexual experiences that are about being close to someone and loving. And by having oral sex with a random girl, you are continuing a pattern of using sex in some other way than as a method of being close and loving. It’s not necessarily abuse or about power and anger – but it also is not about expressing love.
Since this is of such concern to you, and since you are already meeting with a psychologist, FX suggests that you discuss your concerns with the psychologist and/or your parents. Let them know that you are not feeling like the therapy is helping you to deal with the thoughts and feelings you are having about this incident. And tell them that you are having concerns about dealing with your current sexual development given this past sexual abuse. It is important that all of you speak and come up together with a plan that will more adequately address your needs at this point. This might include meeting with a therapist who has more experience in working with victims with sexual abuse. It may be necessary for your parents to become more involved in your treatment if you are not feeling supported or understood enough by them. You might need to look at how you are feeling about what happened to your abuser. It is unclear to FX from your email whether or not he had to face any type of consequences for what he did other than not seeing you again. Perhaps you are having a hard time moving on because you do not feel he had to take any responsibility or pay any price for his actions. There could be several possibilities as to why you are not feeling progress in your treatment. The important thing is to discuss with you parents and treatment providers what your concerns are so you can figure out a way to move on.
Sexual abuse is a horrible experience for anyone to have to go through – especially for a young child who doesn’t have the emotional or intellectual maturity to cope with such a terrible thing, and who so easily feels powerless and scared in what is happening to them. Because of the impact of sexual abuse, it is unlikely that you will ever completely forget about what happened to you. However, you can learn how to move on with your life despite this being a part of your past. And if you are stuck in this process, than you need to discuss this with your parents and therapist.
For more information you can contact the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN), at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673), 24 hours, 7days a week or visit www.rainn.org.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
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