TeenHealthFX - Answers - Battling With My Sexual Self Because Of Past Abuse

Childhood Sexual Abuse / Question
Published: December 10, 2008

Dear TeenHealthFX,

for a long time i have been battling with my sexual self. due to chilhood sexual abuse any sexual feelings that have heightened since puberty have become very frightening to me. when it comes to sexuality i experience numbness; I can't focus at all I don't even do it for pleasure. I just do it. i.e. I met a guy in school. The next time I saw him I gave him a blow job. I'd never done anything like that before and I just did it. what is happening to me? why do things like this happen when you're abused?

Signed: Battling With My Sexual Self Because Of Past Abuse

Dear Battling With My Sexual Self Because Of Past Abuse,

Many people who were sexually abused as children find that their sexual selves as teenagers and adults are affected by what they experienced. The numbness you currently experience is probably a result of the numbness you felt as a child when you were being abused. Very often children who are being abused just become numb as a way to simply survive what they are going through. This sensation of numbness can then carry through to when they are older, and it can be difficult to feel “present” during sex. It would also make sense that sex for you would not be associated with pleasure. Because you were sexually abused, you first experiences with sex were about your abuser wanting power and control and you feeling frightened and in pain – so your association with sex became a negative one rather than a positive one (such as experiencing sex as a way to connect with someone you love in a caring way). Finally, people who have been sexually abused as children often engage in sexual acts as teens or adults (like your description of giving the guy at school a blow job) as a way to feel close to somebody. This is because sex has become an association of for the abused person as the main way to connect with and have relationships with others.

Again, what you are experiencing is very normal considering what you have been through. But FX does think it is important for you to get some help with these issues so that you can get to a point where sex is more about being loving and caring with another person who is close and special to you. To do this, FX thinks that it is important for you to meet with a mental health professional trained in dealing with victims of sexual abuse. You can definitely come to a different place in terms of your sexual self and not feel it is such a struggle – but it will take some time and it will be more easily attained with the help of a trained therapist. It will also be extremely important to think about the people you choose to surround yourself with at this point in your life – to ensure that the people in your life now are caring, supportive, and genuinely concerned about what is in your best interest.

If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

You can also contact the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673), 24 hours, 7 days a week or visit www.rainn.org for more information.

Signed: TeenHealthFX