TeenHealthFX - Answers - Flashback Of Sexual Assault During Sex

Childhood Sexual Abuse / Question
Published: February 9, 2009

Dear TeenHealthFX,

I had sex for the first time. Right before I climaxed I yelled out another man's name and then "please, stop!" I didn't even realize what I had done. Of course, my partner was extremely confused and angry. So was I, at myself. It's not that I was lying about that being my first time. I haven't told my partner this, but during the sex I had a flashback of something that happened during my childhood. When I was 8 years old I experienced an attempted sexual assault. The words I yelled during sex with my partner were the same I yelled during the assault years ago. I didn't mean to I didn't want this to happen. I thought I had gotten over what had happened to me. I have no idea how to tell my partner. I'm so confused. Can you help me?

Signed: Flashback Of Sexual Assault During Sex

Dear Flashback Of Sexual Assault During Sex,

TeenHealthFX can appreciate the confusion you are experiencing, since it sounds like you thought this childhood experience was behind you. But FX thinks you should be more forgiving of yourself and less angry since what happened to you with your current partner is completely understandable given what you went through when you were 8. It is very common for people to have various kinds of difficulties with future sexual relationships when they have been a victim of childhood sexual abuse. It sounds like having sex with your boyfriend triggered the part of your memory that remembers the pain and fear of the sexual assault that happened to you years ago.

FX thinks that it is important for you to do two things at this point:

1) The first is to tell your boyfriend about your experience. For you to shout out another man’s name and yell “Please stop,” could easily put all kinds of ideas or stories into your boyfriend’s head about what’s going on with you. It is important for him to know why this happened so that he understands your behavior that night, so that he knows your behavior had nothing to do with him and your relationship with one another, and so that he can approach sex with you in the future in a gentle way – maybe pacing very slowly up to the point where the two of you attempt intercourse again. In addition, it is important for your emotional well-being for you to have his support with this and for you to not feel you have to keep what happened to you a secret.

2) Second, FX recommends that you speak with a therapist trained in working with victims of sexual abuse. Let the therapist know that you felt as if you were over this event, but then explain what happened with your boyfriend. There may be feelings that still need to be worked through about what happened when you were 8, and/or you may need some support and guidance in how to approach sexual relationships at this new point in your life given what you went through.

For more information or for referrals you can contact the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673), 24 hours, 7days a week or visit www.rainn.org.

If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

Signed: TeenHealthFX