TeenHealthFX - Answers - Scared Of Anything Having To With Sex Or Sexual Atrraction

Worries, Fears and Anxiety Disorders / Question
Published: March 4, 2009

Dear TeenHealthFX,

I'm a 19 year old girl and I am concerned. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months now and I really like him, I love his hugs and companionship. However, I am not sexually attracted to him. I've never been attracted that way towards anyone. I am terrified of sex. The thought of oral sex makes me vomit (literally). I've never masturbated, or even felt any urge to do it at all and I am scared of doing it. I think penises are disgusting and I am unsure of what they even look like (poor Catholic school sex education). I can't use tampons because I am too scared to put anything inside me. Stories about gynocologists have me scared of them too. One of my close male friends has suggested masturbation to help get rid of the fear of masturbation itself, sex, vaginas etc, but I am too scared to do that. My friend is also trying to help educate me about sex, but my mind just shuts it all out. Have you got any suggestions for me? I don't want to be scared anymore.

Signed: Scared Of Anything Having To With Sex Or Sexual Atrraction

Dear Scared Of Anything Having To With Sex Or Sexual Atrraction,

TeenHealthFX thinks that it is important for you to do two things in this situation. One is to get some education about the male and female reproductive anatomy, what is involved in various levels of physical intimacy, and what exactly happens at a gynecologist appointment. The second is to meet with a mental health professional who can work with you on the extent of your fear when it comes to anything related to sexuality or sexual health issues. FX is unsure what has contributed to your fears – the teachings at your school, the messages you have gotten about sex at home, a lack of education, some history of sexual abuse, or something else altogether. But we do think it is important for you to meet with someone to find out what is contributing to your fears and to develop a treatment plan that can lessen these fears and anxieties. Whether you meet with a therapist first to work on the anxiety part, or talk to a health teacher or doctor about the education piece first will depend what you feel needs to come first. Since you mentioned that your “mind just shuts it all out” when people try and educate you about sexual health issues, it may be necessary for you to meet with a therapist first before getting more education and information for yourself.

Going to the gynecologist’s office or using tampons may not be the most thrilling things for women – but that doesn’t mean they are scary and traumatic experiences. And, if you love the person you are with, sex can be beautiful and meaningful – so it is important to find out why for you it feels dirty and scary. The things you described above are not things you need to feel intimated by, threatened by, or scared of – so get some help for yourself so you can deal with these fears.

If you don't have a doctor and live in northern New Jersey, you can call the Adolescent/Young Adult Center for Health at 973-971-6475 for an appointment or Girl’s Street – A Young Woman’s Health Program – at 908.522.2555.You can also contact your local teen health center or Planned Parenthood or call your insurance company for a list of in-network providers.

If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

Signed: TeenHealthFX