TeenHealthFX - Answers - Can't Settle For Second Best

Stress / Question
Published: March 9, 2009

Dear TeenHealthFX,

I am a 14 year old girl who is currently in grade 9. I was top of the grade in Primary School. And was privileged to be in the top ten grade 8 in High School. This year the workload increased hectically for me. I go to bed at 01:30 some mornings and have to wake up at 05:30. I finish school at 14h50 then HAVE to do sports (compulsory 3 times a week) some afternoons I HAVE to support school matches etc they often end very late at night, I have a major load of homework to do and projects and still have to study for tests. I get home and am very lazy--- I just cannot work. Then I eventually have to do homework. I cannot complete everything, cannot study for some tests etc and it feels as if I am throwing my life away. I am extremely stressed, I am so depressed and I cry almost the whole time. I am also so tired. I have changed- I am no longer a happy person and I have no time to do anything fun. It seems that I am the only person that is so stressed. The thing is that I have to come out tops. I have to be in the top 10. I have to. It's just a thing I feel. I can't settle for 2nd best. Please TeenHealthfx give me some advice!

Signed: Can't Settle For Second Best

Dear Can't Settle For Second Best,

TeenHealthFX is concerned about you. We are concerned that you have become so stressed and unhappy with all of these school and extra-curricular demands on you, and we are also very worried about the unreasonably high expectations you seem to be putting on yourself. The fact is that as life progresses, the things we have to deal with can become more and more difficult, and what was once possible may no longer be. For example, if someone always did crew in high school and was fine with this commitment, they may find in college they can no longer commit to crew because their classes are now much harder and much more time consuming. It sounds like you may need to decide what is most important for you to do, as well as what is realistic. Every human being has their limits on how much they can do with their time – this isn’t a negative or a failure, but a simple fact of life. You say you are “lazy,” but FX sees it very differently. We think you are clearly very hard-working and motivated, but that you are finding it hard to keep up with your studies because you are human and you are overwhelmed and exhausted by your current schedule. And who in your shoes wouldn’t be?

That said, FX wants you to consider the following:

Look at your current schedule and prioritize what is most important to you. You may need to consider dropping your sports or choosing a sport or extra-curricular activity that has more flexible hours and/or is less time consuming. Again, know that there is nothing wrong with this. People have to make these choices all the time – deciding what is most important to them and sacrificing certain things that are just not possible to fit into a daily or weekly schedule.
Talk to your parents about how you are feeling. Very often children and teens adopt their high expectations from what they feel their parents want of them. Let your parents know how stressed and depressed you have become with your current schedule. It is important that they reassure you that it is okay, normal, and human not to be able to do everything, and that you are still lovable and wonderful to them no matter what. Second, it would also be helpful for them to help you brainstorm ways in which you can make your schedule and workload more manageable.
FX is concerned about how much you feel you ‘have” to do things and that you feel you cannot settle for second best. There are definitely some perfectionistic tendencies here and overly high expectations of yourself. But the fact is there is nothing anyone has to do (except die, maybe). Everything else is a choice. FX also wants to say that a person doesn’t have to be perfect in order to be special, lovable and wonderful. Finally, FX wants to say that being so hard on yourself and not giving yourself any slack can be a terrible way to live – because you will constantly feel stressed, sad, and disappointed in yourself. All that said, FX wonders if it would be helpful for you to meet with a therapist who can help you to work on some of these perfectionist ideals. It would be very helpful for you to come to a place where you can accept yourself for who you are and be okay with being human rather than perfect (which nobody is or every will be).

If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

Signed: TeenHealthFX