TeenHealthFX - Answers - How Can Abusive Ex Get Help For Himself?

Dating Violence & Date Rape / Question
Published: March 16, 2009

Dear TeenHealthFX,

dear teen healthFX, my boyfriend and i have just ended our one year relationship due to the face he has emotionally abused me and physiclly. when texting he will always want me to text back and always want to know where i am, if i go out with friends he wants to know everything and he doesnt trust me. it got to the point where i stopped hanging out with my friends. when mad he will shake me, push me, sometimes pull my hear or bite my lip. last saturday he slapped me while in a heated argument. his parents think there is nothing wrong and wont provide counsling. what can he do? what are the costs?

Signed: How Can Abusive Ex Get Help For Himself?

Dear How Can Abusive Ex Get Help For Himself?,

TeenHealthFX is glad to hear that you have ended this abusive relationship. From what you have described there was clearly jealousy, possessiveness, and physical abuse going on in the relationship – and there is nothing healthy or helpful to either one of you in continuing on this way.

Since you mention that your ex-boyfriend’s parents will not get counseling for him because they do not see a problem, FX wonders if it would be helpful for your ex to educate them on what constitutes an abusive dating relationship. He could show them the answer to “Could I Be In An Abusive Relationship” under the Dating Violence and Date Rape category of the Emotional Health section of the website so they can get a good idea of the behaviors that characterize abusive relationships. In addition, your boyfriend could talk to his school counselor, an extended family, or any other adult who could then speak to his parents on his behalf. It is probably very painful for them to think that he could have this kind of problem, so they might be choosing to look the other way, pretending there is nothing to worry about. So your ex might need some help in getting them to face the problem and to get him the help he needs.

As for treatment options for your ex, there are programs available that are aimed at helping those who are abusive in their relationships, as well as private therapists that specialize in this area. As for costs, there are programs and therapists who can take payments on a sliding scale depending on income level. Your ex’s medical insurance may also cover treatment. What he should do first is make some contacts with therapists or programs who work with people who are using abuse in their relationship and discuss available payment options.

FX also thinks that it is important for you to be in some kind of treatment for yourself. This relationship must have taken some kind of emotional toll on you, and it would be helpful for you to talk about what you went through as well as to learn how to pick significant others in the future who do not have abusive tendencies.

For help for you and your ex, please consider some of the following resources:

Choices is a counseling group through JBWS (Jersey Battered Women’s Services) for male teens, ages 12-17, who have begun using abuse in relationships. If you live in northern New Jersey and want to learn more about the Choices program, call 973-539-7801.

You can also call the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline at 1-866-331-9474.

The National Center For Victims Of Crime has a Dating Violence Resource Center where your friend and his girlfriend can find helpful information and resources.

If you live in New Jersey you can contact JBWS (Jersey Battered Women’s Services) at 973-267-4763. This phone number is a 24 hour confidential helpline. Outside of NJ you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) – 1-800-787-3224 (TTY line for deaf callers) – 24 hours, 7days a week.

If you and your boyfriend live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist either of you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

Either of you could also speak to your school social worker or psychologist for referral information.

Signed: TeenHealthFX