TeenHealthFX - Answers - Online School Or Hometown School

Suicide / Question
Published: April 20, 2009

Dear TeenHealthFX,

I have been in online school for awhile and it was good at first. But when my mom started going to work I began to slack off and not do much work or any work. Now it's the end of the year and my "teacher" told my mom that I hadn't been doing my lessons enough and that I may be held back. For the past week or two I've been doing loads of lessons to make up. And I already agreed to do school throughout the summer. But my teacher insists that my mom could still be arrested for negligence and we might have to go to court. I've promised myself I'd kill myself before I let my mom go to go to jail, or for her have to pay a fine. I know she's incredibly dissapointed in me and I just can't take that. I know you'll suggest a councilor but we can't afford it. I just don't understand why this is happening. Up until we moved to this small town I was like a super genius. Reading at high school levels, I knew how to calculate the mass of something by 4th grade. I went threw a lot of trama during the 5th grade because of my step dad. And even though I think that's why I stopped caring about learning, I don't want my mom to know that because she already beats herself up about keeping my step dad in our lives for such a long time. And I know killing myself will only hurt her more, but I can't stand for her to disapointed in me all the time. She wants me to go back to normal high school but I the whole reason I left normal school is because I became enemies with everyone there. And there's only one high school in our town. I'd rather die that go to that school, but my mom insists I go there. Either way I want to die and I don't know what to do. Pleash help!

Signed: Online School Or Hometown School - Either Way I Want To Die

Dear Online School Or Hometown School - Either Way I Want To Die,

TeenHealthFX hears all of the pressure you are under and is sorry that you are in so much distress right now. But we want to stress to you that suicide is not the answer. First of all, it sounds like you may have gotten off track recently, but that you have many gifts and special qualities that you can use to get yourself back on track and to make a good life for yourself in the long-run. Second, clearly you love your mother and she loves you – by taking your life you would end that relationship and devastate her. And it doesn’t sound like you want to do either.

FX thinks the first thing you need to do is to talk to your mother about how you are feeling. Let her know the online classes feel difficult to maintain, but going back to the high school feels terrible to you, too – that you are between a rock and a hard place and don’t know how to solve this problem. It is important for you and your mother to discuss this situation and brainstorm together all the possibilities and which one would make most sense for you right now. It is also important that your mother know you are feeling suicidal, that you are having difficulty motivating yourself to stay on task with your online work, and that you are worried about her – that she’d be disappointed in you, that she could be taken to court, and that she beats herself up when it comes to issues around your step-father. It is important that you put all of this on the table so she can be there for you with comfort and support and so that you are not holding all these feelings and thoughts inside to deal with alone.

You are right – FX does think you need to meet with a therapist. Your decreased motivation with school and suicidal feelings certainly indicate depression. In addition, you have apparently been through difficult times with your step-father and it sounds like you are very isolated from your peers – both of which could be negatively impacting you as well. The fact that you do not have the money to pay for a therapist out of pocket does not mean you do not have any options. Consider the following:

Talk to your primary care physician about how you are feeling and see if he/she thinks you would benefit from some kind of psychotropic medication and is willing to prescribe it to you.
Check local hospitals and mental health agencies to see if any have low-cost or no-cost services for mental health treatment.
If you do not have health insurance, ask your mother to check what is available in your state as far as supplemental insurance. For example, in New Jersey your mother can apply for Charity Care.
If you feel suicidal at any point call 911 or go to your local emergency room. Most emergency rooms are required to treat patients regardless of ability to pay or insurance status. In addition, an ER staff member could help to hook you up with follow-up care that would work for you and your mother financially.

Remember that there are many choices out there – where to go to school, where to live, how to get help for yourself. You have too much going for you to think of suicide as a plausible choice. So talk to your mother, reach out for help, and know that things can get better for you.

If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

If you get to the point that you are seriously considering suicide or are afraid of your impulses then you need to seek help immediately. You can call 911 or go to your nearest hospital emergency room. In northern New Jersey you can also call the crisis hotline from Morristown Memorial hospital at 973-540-0100. Outside this area call the Suicide & Crisis Hotline, 1-800-999-9999, 24 hours, 7 days a week.

Signed: TeenHealthFX