TeenHealthFX - Answers - Best Friend Is Depressed And Thinks I'm Becoming Depressed Because Of It

Helping Friends And Loved Ones With Their Emotional Issues / Question
Published: April 27, 2009

Dear TeenHealthFX,

Hi, I'm thirteen and have a problem. My best friend in the whole world is depressed. And no matter what I try to do, I just don't think I'm helping much. She cuts herself, puts herself down, and I think her parents verbally abuse her. They say she doesn't try hard enough in school, and that she's lazy and they call her mean names. But I know my friend, and she practically pules her hair out for good grades, and I know she tries her hardest. Her mom yells at her for every little thing. I've been trying to help her for a long time. But lately, my friend has told me that I can't do it alone. She said that I think if she doesn't get better, I'll blame myself. Which, I guess I'll admit is kind of true. I promised her since she told me that she thought she was depressed, that I'd make it okay. More than once, she's called me and told me that it would be best if I stayed away from her. She told me I'm becoming depressed! Luckily, we're still friends, but I think she still thinks that way. She did see a therepist for a while, but she couldn't go because her parents said it was too much money. Please help me, I can't stand how unfair it is for her. She even told she thinks about suicide! Please, I don't want to lose her.

Signed: Best Friend Is Depressed And Thinks I'm Becoming Depressed Because Of It

Dear Best Friend Is Depressed And Thinks I'm Becoming Depressed Because Of It,

TeenHealthFX understands that you promised your friend you would make everything okay for her as far as her depression goes because of how much you care about her. But FX wants you to be clear that you made an impossible promise. You can promise to be there for her with love and support, but you cannot treat her depression. Depression is a mental illness that has many causes – causes both from the environment around the person as well as from chemical processes that occur within the body. That said, depression is something that needs to be treated by trained professionals – social workers, psychologists, and psychiatrists all go to school for a long time to learn everything they need to know in terms of how to effectively treat depressive disorders and other mental health illnesses.

While your promise clearly came from a genuinely loving place and a desire to see your friend get better, FX wants you to understand that you are putting way too much responsibility on yourself for your friend’s emotional well-being. Think of this analogy – if your friend had cancer, you could promise to be there for her with love and support. But it would be impossible for you to treat her cancer and get her physically well on your own. She would have to see the appropriate medical care professionals for that. Depression is basically the same – you can offer her resources, be there with love and support, but know that the real work she will need to do to address her depressive symptoms will take place with mental health professionals.

Since you are concerned about your friend, let her know that you are there for her with a listening ear. Do not feel compelled to have the right answer all the time and to be able to fix everything for her. Know that you are doing SO much for you friend just by being someone who can listen to her when she needs someone to talk to. In addition, encourage her to see a therapist if she is not and give her the hotline number we have listed below since you mentioned that she is cutting. If you or your friend is concerned she is in an emotionally abusive situation at home, encourage your friend to talk to her school counselor or a trusted adult who can intervene on her behalf. Rather than trying to take all this on by yourself, focus on encouraging her to seek help from professionals and the adults around her. If you continue to worry about your friend and feel she is not reaching out for help, then talk to an adult directly about your concerns.

FX also thinks it would be helpful for you to have someone to talk to about all this – whether you speak to your parents, a school counselor, an extended family member or your own therapist. If you feel you are becoming depressed as a result of what is going on with your friend, or you simply need guidance and support as to how to be helpful to her, then it is important for you to have someone to turn to as well. You should not deal with any personal emotional difficulties or your concerns about your friend all on your own.

If you or your friend live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

Additional resources you can pass onto your friend:

· If you get to the point that you are seriously considering suicide or are afraid of your impulses then you need to seek help immediately. You can call 911 or go to your nearest hospital emergency room. In northern New Jersey you can also call the crisis hotline from Morristown Memorial hospital at 973-540-0100. Outside this area call the Suicide & Crisis Hotline, 1-800-999-9999, 24 hours, 7 days a week.

Self-Injury Hotline (information only, not a crisis line) at 1-800-DON’T-CUT, 1-800-366-8288.
Child Abuse Hotline, 1-800-792-8610, 24 hours, 7days a week. For reporting physical or sexual abuse and to get help.
Residents of New Jersey can report child abuse to 1-800-NJ-ABUSE.
Youth Crisis Hotline, 1-800-448-4663, 24 hours, 7 days a week. For youths, 17 years of age or younger who are in crisis
Read the answer to Friend Cannot Afford Therapy and Online School Or Hometown School to get an idea about how to seek out treatment when finances are an issue.

Signed: TeenHealthFX