TeenHealthFX - Answers - Friends Call Me "Moral Support"

Stress / Question
Published: August 19, 2009

Dear TeenHealthFX,

Okay So Hi, I am 15 and my friends call me "Moral Support" cause I always help them, but I am up to my neck in stress lately In fact about 10 minutes ago I was going to drown myself, I began writing a will and everything. I have pretty much had it with everyone always loading me with their problems, I have so many other people with problems I try to fix I can't get to my own. My dad and I have been fighting lately, and it has been like real fighting-I mean throwing things at one another ect. He has been so short tempered lately and so have I, my mom hates my father too, she almost left him once and the scary part was-I was all for it. I just lost my grandma in June and I never really appriciated her, but now I realize I need her more than I ever thought, I just want to call her and talk to her and ask her for help she was the one I went to when I had problems, and Now i can't and it makes me want to kill myself to see her again. MY dad doesn't realize that I miss her and he is always cracking jokes in front of y mom and I about how "Crazy" she was, she had Altzhiemers so she blamed somethings on my uncle cause she misplaced them then forgot were they where and she thought my uncle took them, so my dad always cracked jokes about stuff like that then and he still does it even more now, he doesn't understand I miss her, I also have the fact I have a cutter friend that comes to me when she needs to vent, and I'm used by all my friends cause "I have Money". The only person in my house that makes money is my mom cause my dad sits home on his butt all day watching tv or sleeping, while my mom works to the bone to help our family and my dad dose not realize we do not have any money and keeps going out and buying 200 dollar items and stuff, and it is killing me to see my mom having to deal with this, and lately she hasn't been feeling good, and has been not sleeping, and stuff and I'm afraid its because she has no one to talk to, And I feel like shit cause I dump all my problems on her too, I just feel that i

Signed: Friends Call Me "Moral Support"

Dear Friends Call Me "Moral Support",

TeenHealthFX imagines that you must have a very sensitive, strong, compassionate and caring side to you for people to want to come to you for support and guidance with their issues. FX thinks that these are very special qualities that you are lucky to have – but we can also appreciate why you are feeling in a position now where nobody is there for you. For one thing, your friends may have come to see this strong, supportive side of you so that it wouldn’t occur to them that you would have problems you would need help with or couldn’t handle on your own. As the generally helpful one in the group they might not even realize that you do struggle with your own issues – so they are not as attune as you would like them to be in terms of recognizing when you need help from them. Second, many people who are the “givers” and the “helpers” in relationships often have trouble asking for help and being okay with receiving help. FX wonders if the helper role may feel more comfortable for you – if there is an uneasiness or discomfort in having people just be there for you.

The fact remains that right now you are clearly in emotional distress and need some people around you who can provide you with the support and guidance you need. You are understandably angry with your father for several reasons, worried about your mother, missing your grandmother, and feeling alone with your thoughts and feelings. To get the help you need, FX suggests that you consider the following:

If you think it could be effective, have a conversation with your father about some of how you are feeling. For example, you might let him know that his comments about your grandmother are hurtful to you as you are finding you are really missing her right now. If you think that this kind of conversation would not be helpful or would most likely escalate into a big conflict, then skip this particular suggestion.
Speak with your mother about how you are feeling. FX understands that you already feel like you “dump” your problems on her, but we also think that as your mother it is important that she know how you are feeling so she can be there for you and can make whatever decisions she needs to that will help you. You can tell her about missing your grandmother, worrying about her, and having trouble knowing how to deal with these conflicts with your father. Depending on what comes up in your conversation with one another, you can ask your mother to set up some counseling for you (either individually or with her or with the whole family), or to intervene in some way with what is going on between you and your father. You might even ask if she would consider going into her own therapy to deal with her own stress and her relationship with your father.
Participate in counseling. Individual therapy could be very helpful to you for a variety of reasons. It could give you your own space to talk about your feelings and thoughts where all the focus and attention can be on you rather than being about you taking care of someone else. A therapist can provide support and guidance in terms of how to deal with your parents around these issues, as well as how to handle and work through the grief you are experiencing related to the loss of your grandmother. A therapist could also intervene with your parents on your behalf in terms of addressing some of the problematic dynamics occurring at home. Family therapy could also be helpful – either with both of your parents or just your mother – again, to address the problematic family dynamics at home.
Be direct with your friends and tell them how you are feeling and what you need from them. Let them know that you get that the way it has been for so long has been you being there for them. But tell them that you are currently dealing with your own struggles and that you really need them to be there for you in a supportive, caring way. Whether you just want to vent to them, get their advice, be able to call them whenever you’re down or stressed, or just have someone to get away from all of this with – let them how they can best help you.
As for dealing with the loss of your grandmother, consider participating in a group such as Rainbows, that helps children and teens deal with various types of loss. You might also check out some of the information and resources on Grief Speaks.
Get connected with your school social worker or psychologist once school starts up. Let your school counselor know what is going on with you at home, and go to that counselor on a regular basis, or as needed, so that you have another adult who can be there for you in a supportive way.
Since you said that conflicts can escalate to the point where you and your father are throwing things, if you are ever afraid of your own impulses or worry that he may physically harm you, call 911 immediately. FX is not clear as to the extent of these conflicts, but if there is physical abuse occurring at home you can also call child protective services. In New Jersey you would call 1-800-NJ-ABUSE. Outside of NJ you can call the Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-792-8610.
Know that suicide is not the answer here and that there are people around you who can be helpful to you and who will want to be helpful to you. Things can get better for you and there are individuals out there who are capable of being caring and supportive. So please do not resort to suicide, but rather start reaching out to adults around you and friends in your life who can be there for you in a helpful way.

It sounds like both of your parents are going through their own emotional issues right now, and FX is very sorry that you are getting caught up in the middle of it. But know that your life can get better with time, and that whether you have the support of your parents, and/or other adults in your life (counselors, school staff, friends’ parents), you can find a way to be emotionally supported and cared for by others.

If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

If you get to the point that you are seriously considering suicide or are afraid of your impulses then you need to seek help immediately. You can call 911 or go to your nearest hospital emergency room. In northern New Jersey you can also call the crisis hotline from Morristown Memorial hospital at 973-540-0100. Outside this area call the Suicide & Crisis Hotline, 1-800-999-9999, 24 hours, 7 days a week.

Signed: TeenHealthFX