TeenHealthFX - Answers - Both My Parents Died Recently

Death & Dying / Question
Published: September 28, 2009

Dear TeenHealthFX,

Both of my parents died recently, and i don't know any of my other family. I'm an only child, and thirteen, so i can't take care of myself. Right now i'm staying with a friend and family. I don't want to stay longer than nessacary because her family already has three children. But, i have some 18 year old friends that are willing to take me in. would there be some big court issue over me? i've had enough of that, but if it's some little thing, then i'll deal with it.

Signed: Both My Parents Died Recently

Dear Both My Parents Died Recently,

TeenHealthFX would like to start by giving you our condolences on what is understandably such a tragic loss for you. The anger, pain, and sadness in losing even one parent – let alone both at the same time – can be tremendously overwhelming. So FX truly sympathizes with your loss, as well as all of the emotions you must be dealing with right now.

Feelings of sadness and loss can come up for anyone who loses a parent – whether that person is 20, 50, or 70 years old when the loss occurs. But what is particularly difficult for you, as you stated, is that at 13 years old you are not able to fully take care of yourself yet. So not only is there sadness and loss at losing two people you loved very much, but there can also be a sense of anger and fear that you don’t have your parents there to take care of you anymore. FX appreciates how powerful all of these feelings can be, and wants you to consider some of the following:

1. Seek out some kind of treatment for yourself so you can work through, and learn to cope with, the many different feelings that are going to come up for you over the coming months and years. You could meet with an individual therapist, or you could look into some kind of support group for grieving teens (such as Rainbows or any local groups offered through area hospitals or mental health agencies). It is very important that you have support from others, as well as a sense of not feeling so alone – a therapist and/or support group can be very helpful with both.

2. As far as the current family you are with, FX isn’t sure if you are worried that it will put too much pressure on the family you are currently staying with for you to be there permanently, or if the family has clearly stated that this is only a temporary arrangement. If it is the former, FX suggests that you sit down with your friend and your friend’s parents to discuss your concerns. Ask them what their intentions are – are they comfortable with your living there until you are an adult or do they need other arrangements to be made? You may be worried that you are feeling like a burden to them, however, they may be feeling pleased and happy to have you and do whatever they can to be helpful to you. Sp speak with them to clarify what your feelings are and what their feelings are about the living situation – they may be fine with the situation and you may be worrying unnecessarily.

If it is the latter and they have made it clear that your current living arrangements are only temporary, know that it is not up to you alone to figure out a permanent living situation for yourself. If your parents had a will, they might have named a guardian for you – someone who would take care of you or determine where you would live in the event of your parents’ death. If your parents did not have a will, a guardian will be appointed through the courts to determine a suitable living environment for you. If your current friend’s family is unable to care for you on a long-term basis, at 13 years old your guardian (parent- or court-appointed) will figure out a safe and healthy place for you to live for the long-term.

As far as these 18 year old friends who are willing to take you in – there are a couple of things to think about. One is if your court-appointed guardian would agree that one of these friends was able to adequately care for you – they would look at your friend’s living arrangements, financial situation, lifestyle in terms of having the time and mindset to care for you, amongst other things to determine if it would be a safe home environment for you. The thing for you to think about as far as living with one of the friends is that these may be wonderful people – wonderful friends. And you do need good friends in your life right now. But at 13 you also need mature adults who can be there for you as parental figures. If living with these 18 year olds would be more like living with friends, FX wonders if it would be the healthiest decision for you in the long run – that you might need adults who are there to parent you, guide you, and support you financially and emotionally in a way that may not come as easily to an 18 year old.

To learn more about the guardian situation, read the askthejudge.info webpage Do I Need A Guardian If My Parents Die?

3. FX thinks that it is going to be very important for you – now and in the future – to ensure that you have an adequate support system for yourself. It is going to be very easy for you to feel alone in the world given the loss of your parents and the lack of extended family to turn to. And in some ways you are alone in ways your peers are not. However, that does not mean that there are not people out there (especially adults) who will want to be there for you will love, support, and guidance – to ensure that your life is as healthy and happy as it can possibly be. Whether you have a private therapist, support group, connect with a school counselor, principal or teacher at school, or look to the parents of friends for someone to lean on, please ensure that you build and maintain a healthy support system for yourself – especially over the next few years as you move towards adulthood.

Again, FX sympathizes with your loss and feels for the difficult emotions you must be going through right now. But seek out help when needed, talk to your friend’s family so you can begin to work towards a sense of security in a new home for yourself (whether there or elsewhere), and make sure to always have trusted adults around you so that you never find yourself without supports. Nobody will ever be able to replace your mother and father – but there are adults out there who can give you the love you need as you continue to grow and mature towards adulthood (and thereafter).

Resources:

· If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

· FX also suggests that you look into Rainbows, a non-profit, international organization that works to help children and teens who have had to deal with some kind of loss in their lives.

· You can also get valuable resources at Grief Speaks, particular the webpage When A Parent Dies, Teen Grief and Teen Resources.

Signed: TeenHealthFX