Dating Violence & Date Rape / Question
Published: October 31, 2009
Dear TeenHealthFX,
im seventeen and ive been dating this guy for a few months. hes my age and everything and one of the nicest guys you will ever meet. everyone loves him and hes in the church and does well in school. when we first started dating everything was perfect but then one night because im not as perfect as him i had to start a fight over something stupid. he ended up slapping me hard and i cried but i didnt leave him because its not something he always does and people really believe hes the perfect guy. even my parents want us to stay together, but somehow i keep making him mad at me and so i dont what to do. i dont want to leave him, i just want him to get help, but how do i convince him to without making him mad, and no one else can because they all think hes great. please help me. i love him so much.
Signed: Boyfriend Slapped Me
Dear Boyfriend Slapped Me,
Your boyfriend clearly has a lot of admirable qualities if he is so respected in the community. However, even “nice” guys and people with so many positive characteristics can still have serious emotional issues in their life that need to be addressed. We all have many parts to ourselves that make up the whole of who we are. It sounds like your boyfriend has parts to him that allow him to do well in school, get along with the adults in his life, and attend church.
But it also sounds like there is a part of him that is angry and that can be physically abusive in dating relationships. This side of him doesn’t make him a terrible person altogether, but it does mean that he needs help. FX would also like to stress that this side of him is not about you and is not your fault. You cannot “make” him mad or do something to “make” him hit you. When you use that kind of thinking, you are taking responsibility for his moods and behaviors rather than holding him responsible for how he feels and how he treats you. It is very important for you to hold him accountable for any abusive behaviors, and to remember that when he slaps you or strikes you in any way, he is being abusive and he, alone, is responsible for that behavior.
Get Support for Yourself
FX thinks that the first thing you need to do is find someone who can give you some support and guidance with this. FX is very concerned that you are feeling like everyone is completely charmed with his “nice guy” side and that you aren’t being believed. FX suggests that you start by speaking to your parents. Let them know that you understand that it must be hard for them to believe that your boyfriend can be abusive given how he generally presents himself around others – but stress that you need them to believe you because the fact is that he can be abusive and you need their help and guidance with how to deal with the situation. Give them examples of the abusive behavior – include the time he slapped you and any other times that he became physically or verbally abusive and intimidating. Also give them the following link so they can be educated about teen dating violence: Massachusetts Medical Society – Teen Dating Violence: What Parents Need To Know.
If your parents continue not to believe you and support the relationship as it is, then talk to someone outside the family. You can speak with a school counselor, or any other trusted staff member at school. You can also contact a professional trained in dealing with issues of dating violence.
· If you live in New Jersey you can contact JBWS (Jersey Battered Women’s Services) at 973-267-4763. This phone number is a 24 hour confidential helpline. Outside of NJ you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) – 1-800-787-3224 (TTY line for deaf callers) – 24 hours, 7days a week.
· You can also call the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline at 1-866-331-9474.
· The National Center for Victims of Crime has a Dating Violence Resource Center where you and your boyfriend can find helpful information and resources.
Dealing With Your Boyfriend
Once you have some supports of people you can talk to about this, make a plan as to how to deal with your boyfriend about this issue. It is important that you find a way to communicate what you need from him in order for the relationship to continue without placing yourself in any kind of dangerous situation where he may try to hit or harm you in any way. Can you speak to him about this alone and still feel safe, or do you need to have another person with you or talk over the phone to maintain your physical safety?
FX understands that you do not want to leave him because of the wonderful parts of him – but as long as you stay with him while he continues to treat you this way, you give him the message that what he is doing is okay and you are willing to tolerate it. You also give him little motivation to change by staying – if he knew you were not going to tolerate this behavior and would leave him if he didn’t seek help, then that might be what he needs to motivate himself to get into some kind of treatment. FX thinks that it is very important for you to let your boyfriend know that as long as he continues to hit you or act in any kind of verbally or physically intimidating or hurtful way, that you will not be able to continue to see him. Let him know that you appreciate all of the wonderful qualities that he does have and that you hope he will choose to get help for this problem so the relationship can continue. But be clear that if he doesn’t deal with it and stop these behaviors, you will not continue to see him. Again, FX appreciates how difficult it can be to do this – but he needs to that you will not tolerate this behavior and he needs you to take a stand about this so he can see the seriousness of it which will hopefully motivate him to seek treatment.
You can give your boyfriend the following resource if he lives in New Jersey: Choices is a counseling group through JBWS (Jersey Battered Women’s Services) for male teens, ages 12-17, who have begun using abuse in relationships. If you live in northern New Jersey and want to learn more about the Choices program, call 973-539-7801. Outside of NJ, he can check with his school counselor to find out what programs are available in the community to help people who are abusive in their dating relationships.
You Cannot “Make” Your Boyfriend Do Anything
One of the most important things for you to remember is that you cannot make your boyfriend (or anyone else for that matter) do anything. You can’t make him angry, you can’t make him hit you, you can’t force him to change, and you can’t guarantee that he will pursue treatment. The best that you can do is to stand up for how you feel you should be treated. If he is at all abusive to you – and it doesn’t matter if it isn’t all the time or if he’s always sorry afterwards, it is NEVER okay for him to hurt you – then you need to let him know that if he wants to stay with you, then he needs to get help so that these types of behaviors NEVER happen. The hope is that will influence and motivate him to work on these issues, but remember that there is no guarantee that he will. The only guarantee in your power and control is for you not to stay with him as long as he is abusive towards you in any type of way.
FX appreciates that all of our recommendations may feel easier said than done – that is why we want you to find some supports for yourself in the community. And please feel free to write back with any questions or concerns as you continue to deal with what we know is a very difficult situation.
As additional resources, consider the following:
· National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center: Teen Dating Violence
· Love Is Not Abuse and look under the “just for teens” tab
· LoveIsRespect.org – Is This Abuse?
· Dating Violence Fact Sheet by the CDC
Signed: TeenHealthFX
Persons aged 15-24, who represent only 14% of the 
