Family Abuse And Violence / Question
Published: July 25, 2002
Dear TeenHealthFX,
I'm 15 years of age and I find that I'm overly stressed out about my parents it's not my mom it's my dad. Everything I do it seems to be wrong and he is always hollering. It gets me very mad and I want to take things out on myself. Can you help me? Signed Dad Always Hollering
Signed: Dad Always Hollering
Dear Dad Always Hollering,
It sounds like your dad is taking his own frustrations and transferring them to you. It is one thing to be accountable for your behavior but it is not fair when you are blamed or criticized for something you had nothing to do with. Your dad may be experiencing a lot of stress from his job or some other personal problem which causes his mood to be irritable. What he needs to realize is that criticizing you will not help his problems and only serves to alienate you and make you feel bad about yourself.
The first step would be to break this destructive pattern. Talk to your dad. Let him know that your are not perfect and that you are bound to make mistakes. It would be more helpful if he could help you learn from these mistakes rather then putting you down. Also let him know that you realize that his life can be difficult and that it is not your goal to cause him problems and that you are just trying to find your way in this world.
The worst thing to do is to internalize your father's anger, which will lead you to feel responsible and bad about yourself. Punishing or harming yourself will not resolve anything; in fact it will make it worse.
See if there is a time you can sit down with your mom and dad and discuss the situation. Try and pick a time when you know your dad will not be in a bad mood. Explain your feelings and how your father's behavior has affected you. If it does not seem to be getting anywhere suggest that some outside help such as a therapist or a clergy member might be useful. If your dad does not want to go along with this idea then insist that you would like to talk to someone on your own. While going by yourself will not address the family issues, it can help you realize that you are not to blame and that you are a worthwhile person.
If you live in northern New Jersey and would like help finding a therapist, you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 888.247.1400.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
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