Cancer / Question
Published: September 4, 2008
Dear TeenHealthFX,
I'm 12 almost 13 and my mom is dieing from lung cancer and I don’t know what to do...everyone wants me to talk about it but if I talk about ill start to cry and I have to act strong for everyone else...and my boyfriend is always trying to get me to talk about with him and make sure I'm ok...he’s really worried about me scared ill like kill myself but I have no plans or feelings to do anything like that...but what I need to know is how do I take all this stiff in? What can I do? Cause all this stuff is coming at me at once and its way to hard on me...I'm actually in tears typing this please help!
Signed: Mom is Dying From Lung Cancer
Dear Mom is Dying From Lung Cancer,
The situation you’re in is a tough one. We can hear from your question that you are experiencing sadness and fear. Thinking about feelings like sadness can sometimes seem really scary and overwhelming. However, feeling the feeling itself is not as scary as thinking about the feeling. It’s OK to give yourself permission to feel sad and to cry. Emotions always pass sooner or later and never last forever. You can even set a timer for 5 minutes, designated for ‘feeling sad time’ and when the bell dings, move into another activity, like taking a walk or any activity that you enjoy.
It’s not your job to stay strong for everyone else. Everyone is allowed to have their own feelings and show feelings. It’s OK to be sad and scared with your family. It’s helpful and a relief to know you’re not the only one who is experiencing these emotions. In fact, talking about and showing your feelings might even help other family members to know that it’s OK for them to express themselves as well.
It’s really great that you have the support of your boyfriend. It’s important to have supportive people in your life who you feel safe talking to. There are a lot of activities that might help you with certain feelings. For example, you can make your own worry box by taking an old shoe box or jewelry box and decorating it. Then whenever you feel worried about something, write it down and put it in your box. For example, “What if I can’t fall asleep tonight.” This way, it’s out of your head and in the box. This is a great and safe place to express your worries. Also, if you’re feeling mad at cancer or anything else, you can draw cancer, for example, on a piece of paper and then rip it up into a million pieces, letting out some anger in the process. You can add to that activity by saying out loud something you hate about cancer every time you rip another piece. For example, “I hate you for making my mom so sick.”
Although this situation is really hard and can feel overwhelming, you only have to deal with a little bit each day. You can pick one feeling a day to work on (allowing yourself to feel it) or one thought about the situation to process (with a friend, family member, worry box, etc). Let the people in your life, who are good listeners, know how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking. It’s OK to ask for help and we’re really glad that you reached out to TeenHealthFX.
If it feels like the emotions are too much for you to cope with on your own, then counseling might be a good idea for you. You could talk to the social worker at the hospital where your mom is being treated. The social worker would be able to give you a list of referrals for individual therapy or in many cases there are groups designed specifically for young people to help them cope with their parent’s illness. The most important thing for you to realize is that you don’t have to deal with this very difficult situation on your own.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
One in four teenage girls in the 
