Parents & Family / Question
Published: March 10, 2004
Dear TeenHealthFX,
If you're broken down emotionally with someone's words (deliberately and with the purpose of carving you) does surviving that make you stronger, or does that scar you and shake your foundations? My Mom can break me down, but she breaks herself up too, while trying to make me a better person. She's got that Asian-scholar ideal of perfection and she can't handle that her kids are being raised in a city of mostly white people that have a totally different perspective on being raised and growing up. I don't even think she knows about the system of raising your kids where you let them be who they are, allow imperfections (as they do occur in the TEENAGE years), and gently nudge your kids into growing up into good people. She thinks that if one aspect of one's life is not PERFECT, then it can affect other aspects like a ripple would, and therefore must be dealt with extreme prejudice. She would rather break me emotionally many times over (exhausting work) than see me become an imperfect bad person. (Lazy, slow, unintelligent, not at one's maximum potential) At first, I thought the things she'd say were things calculated and deliberately said to motivate me to do what she wanted. When she saw that I can't always pick up after myself, always not take naps, always get my homework done by 12, she'd try to "fix" me. Now, I'm not sure if she let her "human" side slip up, and let me know how she truly feels about me come out. That would not be what I'd want, but I think it's a possibility. And another thing -- does all your mind act like a dam, and when you're broken emotionally, is it like a dam collapsing? Can it be healed? Doesn't that take it's toll?
Signed: Emotional Conflict And More With Mom
Dear Emotional Conflict And More With Mom,
To answer your question directly - yes. Emotional stress does very much take its toll on a person. Although getting through trying times can strengthen you in ways, being subjected to emotionally damaging situations is by definition hurtful in some way and not something that you should have to deal with.
TeenHealthFX hears how upset you are, and wants you to know that you are not alone. Many, many adolescents find themselves at odds with their parents and struggle over issues like these. It is important to know first that even though it may not always seem like it, most parents push their kids and hold high standards for them because they love them and want the best for them. Their goal is not to make you feel badly about themselves. But if that is what is happening - and it sounds like it is - it is really important that you find a way to communicate that to your Mom. As difficult as it may be, talking and maintaining an open line of the communication is an important first step in mending a relationship that has taken a wrong turn.
It also sounds like you and your Mom are having a cultural difference of opinion. Again, talking to her about this issue would be helpful to you - and probably interesting too. Just as she will need to understand the culture in which you and your family are living now, you too would benefit from knowing more about the values and ideals that drove how she was raised. If nothing else, it is your heritage and that is important, but it may also help you to understand the motivation behind her behavior.
It is often helpful to talk to a trusted adult or counselor about how you are feeling. If you do not have someone in your life that you feel like you can talk to and you live in northern New Jersey and would like help finding a therapist, you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 888.247.1400. You might also consider going to talk to someone with your Mom so that you can learn to work together to improve your relationship.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
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