Parents & Family / Question
Published: January 18, 2006
Dear TeenHealthFX,
My mom's mood is very unpredictable. She can sometimes be very delusional, abusive, and irrational. I know that she was abused when she was younger but she refuses to talk about it with anyone, she hasn't even told me. I also know that schizophrenia runs in my family. I think that she has some kind of mental illness and I want her to get help. If not she will just keep driving me and her boyfriend away from her with her mistreatment. I just don't know how to convince her to get help and admit she has a problem. If she doesn't get help soon I'll be forced to leave her. I can't stand the way she treats me. Please help me.
Signed: My Mom's Unpredictable Mood
Dear My Mom's Unpredictable Mood,
TeenHealthFX certainly sympathizes with what you are going through with your mother, as situations like this can feel very frustrating and draining. It is extremely difficult to feel that a family member or close friend is not recognizing a particular problem, and, therefore, is not seeking help for that problem.
It might be more helpful if you and your mother’s boyfriend can work together on this. However, if he is unwilling to confront your mother about her behavior, you can certainly still approach her on your own with your concerns. Find a good place and time for a discussion with your mother. Sit down with her and explain the concerns you are having about her well-being, as well as your concerns about the distance and/or conflicts in your relationship with her. Let her know that it is important to you that she meet with a mental health professional to get a better idea of what her issues may be, as well as to learn about possible treatment options. Stress to her that the reason this is so important to you is that you care about her and value your relationship with her. If you think the idea of meeting with a mental health provider may be too threatening for your mother, you could also suggest that she initially discuss these concerns with her primary care physician in order to get his/her recommendations on the situation.
Try to convey to your mother that it is okay to take things one step at a time – that you’ll just start with the initial consult (whether with a mental health provider or her PCP) and take things from there. Make it clear to her that you understand that talking about these issues with someone, as well as the idea of seeking treatment for them, may feel scary – but that you will be there to provide her with emotional support through the process. You and/or your mother’s boyfriend may want to check in with her to see if she would like help setting up an appointment with a mental health provider or her PCP, as well as whether she would like one or both of you to go with her to her first appointment.
Depending on the types of behaviors your mother is displaying, you also have some other options of things you can do. You mentioned that your mother could be “delusional” and “abusive” – although since you did not elaborate on this, TeenHealthFX is unsure of the specific types of behaviors that you are referring to. If you are a minor, and feel that your mother is being physically, sexually or emotionally abusive in a way that causes you physical or emotional harm, you can contact child protective services. If you live in New Jersey you or your mother’s boyfriend would contact DYFS at 1-877 NJ ABUSE. If you live outside of NJ you could contact information to get the 800 number of your state’s child protective services. DYFS, or any state child protective services, will determine if the home is safe for you and other minors to live in, and can mandate treatment for your mother if deemed necessary.
Again, TeenHealthFX is unsure of the specific behaviors that your mother is exhibiting. But if she ever behaves in a way where you feel she may be an immediate threat to herself or others, you can contact 911. In a situation like this she would most likely be taken to a local hospital emergency room where she would receive a psychiatric evaluation to determine her level of safety to herself and others.
It’s unfortunate that we cannot make someone else recognize and seek treatment for an issue that they may be having – but it is the reality. The most you and your mother’s boyfriend can do is to let your mother know what your concerns are and that it is very important to you both that she seeks help. In the end it is your mother’s responsibility to decide whether or not she wants to seek out and engage in treatment to deal with her issues. If she continues to refuse to address these issues, then you and her boyfriend will need to decide how involved in her life you both would like to be. As stated above FX is unsure how old you are – when you mentioned leaving her we are unsure if this means that you are a minor and will find someone else who can be a caretaker and guardian for you, or if you are old enough to live on your own and support yourself. Either way, if you have other options as far as living arrangements, and you’re seeing with time that the situation is not getting better, you may want to consider an alternate living arrangement for yourself. You obviously care for you mother very much, but it is also important to take care of yourself.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
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