TeenHealthFX - Answers - Concerned About My Sister's Sexual Relationships

Sibling Issues / Question
Published: March 29, 2007

Dear TeenHealthFX,

I am 24 years old and have a baby sister who is ten years younger. This weekend she disclosed to me that she is having sex with her 19-year old boyfriend. I know all about sexual/domestic violence and having safe sex, but I am concerned about the 5 year age difference and about her ability to be ready for sex at only 14. She has always been very mature for her age, yet it seems to me that developmentally she could not possibly be ready for such a large responsibility or choice and I am very concerned about her.

Signed: Concerned About My Sister's Sexual Relationships

Dear Concerned About My Sister's Sexual Relationships,

TeenHealthFX understands your worries about your 14 year old sister, and certainly sees these concerns as valid. For one thing, there are definite legal issues that come up when a 14 year old and a 19 year are having sex with one another. The legal age of consent in New Jersey is 16 years old, and it is considered statutory rape when a minor has sex with someone who is more than four years his or her senior. As far as the emotional issues involved, even though you said that you see your sister as mature for her age, one might wonder what a 19 year old has in common with a 14 year old in terms of a dating relationship. And mature for her age or not, FX fully agrees that any 14 year old is not yet physically or emotionally ready to be having sex. In addition, considering how old they are, as well as the difference in age, FX is concerned about the inequity of power between the two of them – dating situations like this can easily lead to various types of abusive situations, as well as early or unwanted pregnancies

If you feel comfortable, and have not done so already, FX strongly recommends that you sit down with your sister to talk about her choice to be sexually active at such a young age. Find out from your sister why she feels that she is ready to be having sex. Ask her if she has really considered the responsibilities that come with it, such as possible STD transmission and/or pregnancy, and whether or not she practices safe sex and has discussed safe sex with her physician. Talk to her about what makes her feel she is ready to deal with the intense emotions that go along with being sexually intimate with someone (especially for a teen). Then let her know what is specifically concerning you about her choices and behavior, stressing that your worry comes out of how much you love her and care about her well-being.

Understanding the seriousness of your concerns, FX can also appreciate that this may feel like a very big burden and responsibility for you to be carrying alone. If you have a conversation with her on your own, and still feel afterwards that her choices and behaviors are of concern – or if you are feeling from the start like this is not something you really want to be dealing with all on your own - definitely discuss this with your parents or guardians. They are the legal guardians and caretakers of your sister, and have certain responsibilities to her – and you may need to enlist their help to deal with this situation.

Signed: TeenHealthFX