Friends / Question
Published: June 27, 2006
Dear TeenHealthFX,
I've been best friends with a girl since first grade and we are now both 16. Recently she has made other friends on our team. Although I am friends with them too, she chooses not to invite me or our other friends to anything she does with them. She is completely leaving us out of that part of her life. We have talked to her about it numerous times and she still hasn't tried including us, but yet if we wouldn't invite her somewhere she talks crap about us. She has also started dating this guy that none of us approve us because he does drugs, drinks, and smokes and that is completely not her! I think she might just be doing it because she just wants a bf for whatever reason. We told her we didn't like him and she didn't even care. She has now been lying to our faces about hanging out with her new friends and boyfriend and ditching us. I'm sad to see our friendship ending, but relieved more than anything. She has been putting so much stress in my life because I'm concerned for her and completely fed up! I've talked to her about completely ending our friendship and she hates the idea, but it's really because of her that it's coming to this. If I am going to break it off, I need an idea how to do it respectfully because I’m sick of feeling/dealing with this. If you have any other ideas, please tell me.
Signed: How To End A Friendship Respectfully
Dear How To End A Friendship Respectfully,
In situations like this it is important to think about what is in your power and control to do. You cannot change this girl – who she is or what she does – the most you can do is to tell her how you feel, and to stress that if she is unable to make certain changes in the relationship that it will jeopardize your friendship with one another. You have then stood up for yourself in terms of being clear about what you want and expect in your friendships – and it is up to her to decide what she wants to do. The hard thing in these situations is that it runs the risk that the person may, for whatever reason, not want to change – and then the friendship unfortunately must end. It sounds like this is where you are feeling now, and the “relief” you mentioned seems to suggest that she has not really taken in what you have said to her and that the bad is starting to outweigh the good in this friendship.
In terms of your question of how to end a friendship in a respectful way, FX recommends that you let this person know that the way the friendship is going right now is not working for you – that it seems like there are more strains and tensions right now than good times which makes you feel that it might be time for you both to distance yourself from one another. You could let her know that it does feel sad for you, but that you need to respect that the two of you may just be in different places in your lives right now that are not conducive to your currently being friends. You can even let her know how much it has meant to you to have her in your life since 1st grade, and that you will always take that with you no matter where the two of you go from here.
In terms of your concern for this girl, FX wants you to consider speaking to her parents or someone at school about your worries – especially in terms of this guy she is dating who is abusing various substances. Her parents may be unaware of this guy’s drug and drinking habits, and may intervene on her behalf if they were to discover that she is spending so much time with someone who might be a very bad influence for her. It may seem like a betrayal to your friend, and she may be angry with you – but if you are seriously concerned about any of her behaviors or the types of people she is choosing to spend her time with, then it may be important for some adults to know about it so they can intervene in the situation.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
Among male drivers between 15 and 20 years of age who were involved in fatal crashes in 2005, 38% were speeding at the time of the crash and 24% had been drinking.
