Friendships: Dealing With People's Differences / Question
Published: December 28, 2006
Dear TeenHealthFX,
My friend is a very religious person and that shows in almost everything she does. We have very different opinions on what's right and what's wrong and I find that I have to refrain from talking about some of the littlest things because she finds them offensive. We also share different tastes in almost everything. She's sporty, I'm into computers, she's into Christian pop, I'm into heavy rock, she's a C-average, I'm an A-average. The only thing we really share in common is our interest in writing stories and such, but I feel we're on different levels and can't work together on a story. As far as my religious preference, I'm not sure I want to base my life around something without exploring all the possibilities. When I tried to explain this to her, she just rebuked it and we got into this whole drawn-out religion debate. However, now we almost entirely avoid the subject of religion and our friendship is on and off with times of being best friends to times where we are just people who sit together at lunch. What I want to know is how I can talk to her and have fun with her without feeling so held down by what she wants to hear. I'm sorry this question is so long, I just want you to know all the facts. Signed How to Handle a Religious Friend.
Signed: How To Handle A Religious Friend
Dear How To Handle A Religious Friend,
TeenHealthFX can appreciate the frustrating aspect to this relationship in terms of your saying that you are feeling “held down” by having to say what your friend “wants to hear.” Friendships usually feel best and most comfortable when we feel accepted by the other person for who we are – not when we feel like we have to put on an act because we’ll only be accepted and liked by being who the other person wants us to be. FX can understand that it may feel both tiring and sad to feel like you have to be someone you are not in order to maintain this friendship. That said, FX thinks you have a couple options in how to handle this situation if you do not want this relationship to stay the way it is. You could let your friend know that you have noticed the two of you seem to get along better when issues of a religious nature do not come up – and you might ask your friend if she has noticed the same thing. You can tell your friend that you are not feeling comfortable with the tension or conflicts that come up between the two of you around religious topics, and try to brainstorm with her what the two of you might do about that. For example, the two of you could agree that you each feel differently about religion and may never see religious issues in the same way – and therefore should simply agree not to delve into topics of a religious nature when you are together. Or you both might decide that even though you may not have the same opinions on religious matters, you will accept each other’s right to feel how you feel and not be argumentative or critical towards one another when it comes to any opposing viewpoints.
The thing you will need to decide is what you would like to do with the relationship if either you or your friend are not able to go along without raising religious issues, or if either one of you has trouble being accepting of the other person’s different views. You may be left with deciding what feels right for you – keeping the relationship as it is or ending the friendship if this cannot be worked out. But if it gets to that point, only you can know what feels right and best for you.
And, if at any point in this process, you find that you could really use some support and guidance in how to handle this, FX recommends that you share your thoughts and feelings with a trusted adult. You could speak with your parents, an extended family member, a teacher, school guidance counselor or school social worker/psychologist as it might be helpful for you to have a listening ear and someone to process all of this with.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
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