TeenHealthFX - Answers - Torn And Can't Stop Crying

Significant Others: Girlfriends & Boyfriends / Question
Published: August 3, 2007

Dear TeenHealthFX,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for more than 2 years now. We're both going to the same college in less than a week and i feel like things are falling apart. He acts like he just doesn't care anymore. I am constantly feeling liek i'm being annoying and that he'd rather be doing something else. When i bring it up he says I'm crazy and gets mad for accusing him of not caring. He just doesn't talk to me like he used to. I'm sick of crying but I'm scared of going to college being hurt and without that security. It so hard to even talk to him about how I feel because all I end up doing is crying. What do i do!? please i need help. -torn and can't stop crying

Signed: Torn And Can't Stop Crying

Dear Torn And Can't Stop Crying,

Right now both you and your boyfriend are going through a big change – the transition from high school to college. And significant life changes, like this, can put pressure on individual people and on relationships. However, the negative effects that kind of pressure can bring might only be temporary – it doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship is doomed or that one or both people no longer care about each other.

In terms of how you can handle things from here in a way that will consider what is best for you, your boyfriend, and the relationship, FX suggests that you think about the following:

Even though you are feeling hurt and confused by your boyfriend’s recent change in behavior, try not to “accuse” him of “not caring.” Your boyfriend’s change in behavior might reflect his own anxiety about being away at college, feelings about being away from family and high school friends, or concerns about what it is going to like transitioning your relationship with one another from high school and your home town to a college environment. But whatever it is that’s bothering him may have nothing to do with his no longer caring about you – and it may be hurtful to him to have you suggest that he no longer has caring feelings towards you.

Your boyfriend may just need some space and time to deal with whatever he is going through. And it would be respectful and caring of you to give him some time and space right now, if that is what he needs. It doesn’t mean you should put up with him being short with you forever, but if he needs a few weeks to work something out, it is okay to be patient with him. And you can either say something to him, like, “It seems to me like something is bothering you. I’m not sure what it is, but if you want to talk about it or if there is anything I can do, please let me know because I am here for you.” Or you can say, “I don’t know what is going on, but it seems like something is bothering you right now. So, if it would be helpful, I’m okay with giving you some time and space to try and work out whatever you are going through.”

If you feel how your boyfriend is treating you is more than part of a difficult short-term phase, and you are feeling very hurt, disrespected, or frightened by how he is reacting to you – then this is something you should tolerate. In this case, you need to tell him that even though you understand that he may be going through a difficult situation, it is not okay for him to take out his anger on you – and that he either needs to find a way to deal with whatever is going on without taking anger out on you, or you will need to take a break from the relationship until when or if he is able to treat you in a more respectful manner.

If there are things you want to let your boyfriend know, but you are having trouble saying them to him without getting very upset or crying, you could always write him a letter explaining what you are going through. Maybe you could ask him to do the same if it is hard for him to have a conversation right now about whatever is going on with him.

Going to college without the “security” of a friend or significant other can be a difficult thing. But remember that most people go off to college without this kind of security and find that being a freshmen and meeting new people is actually easier and more fun than they ever would have thought. You have invested a decent amount of time in this relationship and you sound like you care very much about your boyfriend – so, it would make sense that your relationship with him would be an important part of your life. But remember that it is not the only part of your life – you are going to college to take classes, major in a subject that interests you, meet new people and make new friends, join new clubs or groups of interest to you available at the college, and more. So there are plenty of wonderful new and exciting things waiting for you – and, whether your stay with your boyfriend or not, it would be helpful for you to focus on these things and ways in which to develop as an individual person.

Most colleges have on-site counseling centers, and most dorm floors have an R.A. (resident advisor) available to the students residing in the dorms. These will be great resources for you if you find you are feeling stressed or sad about these issues once you get to college. So make sure you use the resources available to you and find someone you can lean on if things continue to feel tough.

Signed: TeenHealthFX