When Crushes Or Dating Gets Between Friends / Question
Published: September 24, 2007
Dear TeenHealthFX,
I emailled you several months ago about an ex-boyfriend I couldn't get over and unfortunately never got an answer. It has been nearly seven months and I still love him very deeply despite that he makes me cry on a daily basis. I suppose there is a fine line between love and hate. Through all of this my best friend has always stuck by both of us through our trying to get past our differences. Personally I wish my ex would disappear but we share the same friends so that can't happen. My problem is this; he asked my best friend to go to homecoming with him and she said yes. Neither of them had any concern for my feelings at all considering I want to go too but never got asked. Plus, I still have feelings for him, and my friend knows this. I have never felt so betrayed, hurt, and ignored in my entire life and I feel like both of them are just slapping me in the face. All my friend cares about is getting a date to homecoming, and it seems as though she would risk my mental health and our friendship for it. To make things worse, when I tried to talk to her she turned it around on me and screamed at me about how i was overreacting and she stormed off. I have no problem leaving the ex boyfriend behind but I'm not sure how to handle this. We've been through so much together and I don't see my future without her, but I don't see how she could do this to me and not feel bad about it!!! I desperately need help because I told her I would let her go but I still feel terrible and alone. Signed, Stabbed in the back
Signed: Stabbed In The Back
Dear Stabbed In The Back,
TeenHealthFX apologizes that we did not get to your question many months ago and that you have continued to have such a difficult time in dealing with your breakup. Breakups can leave many people with a devastating sense of loss and sadness. How difficult is it to get over a break-up can depend on many things: how close the two people were, how long they were together, the circumstances that lead to the break-up, and more. FX does believe that there can be a natural grieving process following a break-up, but that any feelings of sadness or anger should gradually ease up with time. However, since you stated that it has been seven months and you still cry on a daily basis, FX is worried that this is affecting you beyond what might be considered a normal grieving process. We suggest that you consider speaking with a therapist about how this is affecting you so that you can begin to move on and have more time where you feel happy rather than sad.
You can speak with a social worker or psychologist at your school, or you could meet with a private therapist. If you live in northern
In terms of your current situation with your best friend, FX can understand why you are feeling so hurt. There are many “fish in the sea” for your ex and for your best friend – and the fact that they have to pursue each other with all the choices out there must understandably feel very difficult for you. However, since you stated you cannot see your future without your best friend in it, think about some of the following points in deciding what you want to do.
- FX wants you to think about your history with your best friend. Since you say that in this situation she is acting in a way that feels uncaring to you – consider whether or not the way she is treating you is typical for her? If so, FX suggests that you re-evaluate the friendship in terms of whether or not she is someone who wants to have a friendship based on loyalty, trust, and being caring. If not, FX suggests that you think about what may be going on for her that she is acting this way in this particular situation. Maybe she hasn’t dated much and is feeling desperate for a boyfriend – it can be very difficult for a teen to feel left out of the dating world loop, and therefore very hard to turn down a chance for a date. Maybe your friend has had difficulty dealing with your grief over the past seven months since you indicated that how you feel does not seem to be getting better. Whatever the issue is, maybe she needs some understanding and compassion from you about it.
- This may be a case where both of you are having trouble seeing this from the other person’s perspective, Your friend is obviously having trouble understanding that since you are not over your ex yet, it is certainly painful for you to feel happy for her excitement of having a date for homecoming. However, FX is wondering if it has been hard for your friend seeing you having such trouble getting over your ex. From her perspective it may feel like your staying in a sad and grieving place about this is more important to you than feeling happy for her current opportunity. FX wonders if it would be helpful for the two of you to talk about your own perspectives and acknowledge that maybe neither of you is truly appreciating where the other is coming from or how the other is feeling.
- FX suggests you talk to your friend or write a letter to her (whatever feels more comfortable at this point), and ask her whether or not she wants to mend the relationship. If she says yes, then the two of you can brainstorm together about what needs to happen for things to be resolved between the two of you. You can point out that you both have feelings about this situation and that both of your feelings are important. Then, make sure that you both have turns to express how you are feeling where the other person just listens and hears out what is being said. Then think together about a solution that offers some respect and validation to the feelings both of you have just expressed. If you both genuinely care about the friendship and want to salvage it, you will be able to work together to find a way to move past this.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
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