Questionable Relationships / Question
Published: May 28, 2008
Dear TeenHealthFX,
I'm a 17 year old boy dating a 13 year old girl. We met at a behavioral health center. We were both suicidal, but ever since we've found each other, we've both been very happy. We also both agreed that we weren't ready to lose our virginity yet, and that we would wait. Is it still illegal for us to date? When we started dating, I assmed she was 15 because all of the other girls in her class are at least 15. But her father has been calling me and leaving threatening messages, and saying he'll call the police if I don't stop talking to her. What should I do? She's my only friend, and I'm her only friend. All of my other friends stopped speaking to me when they found out I was in love with a girl four years younger. They said I'm immoral, and sick. Is our relationship really so wrong? Signed, Xxxxx from Wyoming.
Signed: 17 Year Old Dating A Thirteen Year Old
Dear 17 Year Old Dating A Thirteen Year Old,
TeenHealthFX can appreciate the concern of this girl’s father, as well as the reactions of your friends. There can be a tremendous difference between a 13 year old and a 17 year old in terms of emotional, physical, and intellectual development. And if the two of you have been physically intimate with one another in any way, there would definitely be a legal issue as she is too young in the state she lives in to consent to sexual activity and there is a 4 year age difference between the two of you.
If your relationship with this girl is interfering in your friendships, as well as interfering in her relationships with her family members, FX thinks that the two of you need to seriously reconsider your relationship with one another. We appreciate how meaningful you have been to one another, but we also think it is important to consider the prices you might pay for staying connected in such an intimate way.
Rather than focusing on how to keep this girl in your life, FX thinks that it is important for your long-term emotional well-being to discuss with a mental health professional what feels so difficult for you in terms of feeling good or finding other positive activities or relationships to focus that bring you joy without having this girl in your life. The concern here is not just that this girl is 13 and you are 17, but that the two of you may be feeling overly dependent on one another to feel good and to feel stable.
If you need help finding a therapist you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with a school counselor or your primary care physician for a referral in your area.
Since you mentioned that you have felt suicidal in the past, if you get to the point that you are seriously considering suicide or are afraid of your impulses then you need to seek help immediately. You can call 911 or go to your nearest hospital emergency room. You can also call the Suicide & Crisis Hotline, 1-800-999-9999, 24 hours, 7 days a week.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
Teens often abuse prescription drugs because of the myth that these drugs provide a medically safe high.
