Parents & Family / Question
Published: April 16, 2008
Dear TeenHealthFX,
my parents gave birth to their firstborn (me) some years after they tied the knot. they initiated their divorce when i was 5 and it legally ended when i was 13. from what i've gleaned their relationship wasn't exaclty a good one (both had drug problems and are not really happy witht themselves). honestly, i think to myself that if they had not had me, they could have split up sooner and moved on with their lives. they have kept in touch with each other because of me and the other children, and all they do is fight, even though they have both began new relationships with others they still fight and it's very stressful and i feel so awful because i link their misery together. i've tried to talk about this in therapy but i don't think it's going to help change things. i've been told to not be so hard on myself and i try not to but i get so sad i just want to disappear and never wake up again. -guilty child
Signed: Guilty Child
Dear Guilty Child,
TeenHealthFX is sorry to hear that you are feeling so much guilt about your parents’ past and current relationship with one another. It is very common for children to blame themselves for their parents’ relationships with one another – particularly to feel at fault if their parents divorce or have difficulties getting along in any kind of harmonious or civil way.
FX wants to stress to you that the choices your parents have made about how they want to lead their individual lives, and how they want to relate to one another, are decisions that are entirely up to them. You have no control and power over whether they do drugs or don’t do drugs, whether they stay married or got divorced, or whether they are civil or argumentative with one another. How they behave and what they do is entirely up to them. If you think about it, it’s really unfair for you to be blaming yourself in any kind of way for the situations your parents have been in. You didn’t ask to be born and to be made a part of their lives – you had absolutely no say or power about coming into this world. Your two parents are the only people responsible for your being here – and from the moment they brought you into this world, they were responsible to you as parents; you were not responsible to take care of them and their relationship.
Sometimes people have an easier time blaming themselves and feeling angry at themselves than at other people – there can be a variety of reasons for this. What FX thinks would be helpful for you is to talk with your therapist about why you prefer to be angry at yourself for this and hold yourself accountable rather than to be angry with your parents and see them as responsible for their actions.
It might also be helpful for your therapist to include each of your parents in your treatment in some way so that they can start to understand how their actions have impacted you in a negative way over the years, and so that, hopefully, they can work at making some positive changes that will improve their relationships with you.
Since you mentioned wanting to disappear and never wake up again, if you get to the point that you are seriously considering suicide or are afraid of your impulses then you need to seek help immediately. You can call 911 or go to your nearest hospital emergency room. In northern
Signed: TeenHealthFX
Teens whose parents talk to them regularly about the dangers of drugs are 42% less likely to use drugs than those whose parents don’t, yet only 1 in 4 teens report having these conversations. 
