Parents & Family / Question
Published: December 17, 2008
Dear TeenHealthFX,
Hello. A few weeks ago, my mom told me some shocking news. I am sixteen and she felt that I deserved to know because I am old enough. She told me that when I was young, my dad cheated on my mom with another woman. For THREE years. Then, my mom found out but she couldn't leave him or get a divorce because she had me and my brother and she wasn't financially independent. Right now, she is taking depression pills and she is saying she has "no fun in her life." I can't really explain the feelings towards my dad. It's a mixture of disdain, anger, and disbelief. I really cannot understand why he would do that to her when she did nothing wrong. I don't show him much affection now. I don't think he knows that I know. I don't know what to do because I don't want to talk to my dad about it. Also, what should I do with my mom? Help! (I really need answers because i've sent some before but i never got a reply!) >< Signed, Angry about Past
Signed: Angry About Past
Dear Angry About Past,
TeenHealthFX would like to start by saying that we are concerned that your mother chose to share this information with you. Clearly she continues to have a lot of feelings about this and the feelings are very powerful for her. And clearly she also still holds a great deal of anger towards your father. However, it was inappropriate for her to disclose this information to you. This is an adult issue between her and her father, and the people she should be talking to about this would be your father, a therapist, and/or any adult friends or family members – not her children.
As far as what to “do” with your mother, FX thinks that it is important for you to suggest to her that she be in therapy (if she isn’t already). As we said above, she is dealing with very strong emotional reactions to this issue and it is important that seek out help for herself to deal with her feelings about your father and their marriage. If your mother refuses to get therapy for herself, then FX recommends that you meet with a therapist for a couple of sessions to get some guidance on how to deal with her about this issue. Maybe she could even come to a session or two with at some point.
As far as dealing with your father, FX also thinks being in some individual therapy would be helpful with this as well. There is clearly a conflict for you about talking to him about this and letting him know that you know – and it is important for you to work through this conflict. When people in a family have secrets and hold those secrets from one another (a situation which you are now in), it can create tremendous tension and difficulties in the relationships between various family members. So FX thinks it is important for you to find a way to put this out on the table and talk to him about this. FX also thinks it is important that you speak to him about this because as of right now you only have one half of the story. You know what was going on for your mother at the time, but you have no idea what was going on for him back then – as you said, it is hard for you to even understand his motives. FX does think that it would be helpful for you to have some information from both of them in figuring out your thoughts and feelings about this now that you do know about the situation.
If you live in northern
Signed: TeenHealthFX
Less than 33% of teens with depression get help, yet 80% of teens with depression can be successfully treated if they seek help from a doctor or therapist.
