Parents & Family / Question
Published: June 11, 2008
Dear TeenHealthFX,
I am 16 years old and as I've been getting older my parents have been putting more and more restictions on my. First when i was 15 I was no longer able to sleep over friends houses. My parents knew the friends and there parents very well. Now I have a curfew of 7:30, 9:30 at the latest when a year ago it was 11. I've asked my parents several times why they don' trust me and each time they say that it's not me they dont trust it the people around me. I tell them that if some one offers me a drink, the ultimate desicion is up to me and i would say no, but still they persist with the same answer. I have never done anything to lose their trust. I have very few chores but do them. I am in honors classes with striaght A's, i balace out my time, i volunteer several hours a week at church, & i take care of all my academics on my own, includign setting up visit for colleges, signign up for the SATs, and getting as much information as possible. I've read article after article on gaining a parents trust but none of it seems to work. They seem to see me as the strereotypical teenager that is out of control. I've told them since I was about thirteen years old that atempting to hide me from the world is only going to hurt me in the long run. What can I do so my parents understand that i can be trusted and that i need to make some of my own mistakes?
Signed: Parents Putting More Restrictions On Me
Dear Parents Putting More Restrictions On Me,
It sounds like the frustration for you here is that your parents are not treating you for who you are – rather than treating you as a teenager who is responsible, conscientious, and hard-working, they are treating you as someone who is irresponsible, who has poor judgment, and who is prone to getting into trouble. FX is unsure why they are treating you this way – it is possible that as you get older and become more independent, it is harder for them to see that have less control over you and your life; maybe they had to deal with some difficult situations or made poor choices when they were younger and are reacting to you based on their own personal past experiences; or perhaps they are overly-cautious people who have a lot of anxiety about the world and the potential dangers out there. FX can only speculate on what is contributing to their reactions, but based on your letter we can say that the way they are dealing with you when it comes to rules and privileges is not helpful to you or to your relationship with them.
When you ask your parents why they don’t trust you, and they tell you it’s the people around you they don’t trust – then FX suggests that you ask them why they don’t trust that you can deal with problematic situations or people. Because the fact is that is does come back to trusting you – trusting that in the face of dangerous situations, objectionable proposals, or problematic situations that you will make good decisions and deal with what you are handed in a reasonable, mature, and responsible way.
FX recommends that you talk to them about this, pointing out that they are not treating you for who you are, and that this is creating a problem for you and in your relationship with one another. Let them know that this feels very troubling to you, and you would like to address this issue either between the three of you or with the help of a family therapist who can work with all of you to increase effective communication and a sense of understanding of one another.
If your parents are unwilling to talk to you about this alone, or meet with a therapist, consider meeting individually with a counselor at school or a private therapist who can help you figure out helpful ways to deal with your parents about this, as well as to advocate on your behalf with them.
If you live in northern
Signed: TeenHealthFX
Statistics show that giving a teen a credit card does not teach them to be financially responsible or to encourage self-restraint, but actually promotes a “spend now and deal with the consequences later” mindset.
