Parents & Family / Question
Published: June 11, 2008
Dear TeenHealthFX,
This is horrible. My dad recently became christian and we aren't hearing the end of it. We are originally a religion (not a lot of people have heard of it) that believes is God and everything, but he was listening to somekind of christain radio and ALWAYS listens to it. I think he's lost it. I can't have a conversation with him without him bringing up how Jesus is the answer to everything. I can't talk to my own dad! He wasn't like that when my sister and I were kids (I'm 16 and she's 18) he was the best and even though we never had a lot of money, he was always generous with it and used to take so much interest in us. Now he works a bunch of the time and has no days off. I really miss him a lot. My mom and him are always at it. She has a bad temper (but she's a good woman and is so kind and caring) and has a tendancy to loose it and cuss off sometimes. One day they're at it, the next day they're making up. Now she's given up and even admits that she's acting and feels as though she's not even married anymore. She doesn't like him anymore. But he embarasses her when he talks about his christian..whatevers in our non-christain community and she hates it and so do we. He had a really abusive and supressive father and she has a strong flamboyant personality. He also used to "lie around" a lot (if you know what I mean) before they got married. Maybe it's that he's reached a midlife crisis or something (at 49) and is scared to die knowing did so much lying around before settling down like a respectfull person does. My mom thinks he doing all this preaching on purpose just to get to her, and I know that might be a little paranoid, but how can I blame her? I've tried talking to him on the phone and it gets no where. I dread talking to him and even when he's home in the morning. Is it a psychological problem? Is being over-religious due to fear of death? Sorry this is so long! thanks
Signed: Dad's New Religion Is Hurting Family Relationships
Dear Dad's New Religion Is Hurting Family Relationships,
TeenHealthFX thinks that religion can be a very positive and comforting thing for many people who are able to keep their religious beliefs in balance with the other important areas of their lives. However, when people are so consumed by their religious beliefs and they lose the balance between religious commitments, family relationships, and career – then the focus on religion can become more of an unhealthy preoccupation. It sounds like your father is currently so consumed with his new religious beliefs that he is neglecting the relationships he has with his wife and children – and while your father may not see this as a problem, or even be aware that it is a problem, it is clearly an issue for you and your mother.
It is very hard for FX to speculate why your father is feeling so consumed with his religion. He may be in a mid-life crisis, he may be feeling guilty about having slept with so many people earlier in his life, perhaps he is looking for a way to find peace for himself since you mentioned he grew up with a very abusive father, maybe it is a reaction to the ups and downs in the marital relationship between your father and mother, it’s possible that as your father gets older he is more aware of his own mortality, or it may be something else all together.
The important thing for you and your mother to remember is that you do not have the power to change your father and how he has been acting, but you do have complete power and control over how each of you decides to deal with him about this issue. Since it sounds like you and your mother are feeling equally frustrated and hurt with how he has been acting, perhaps the two of you can talk together to come up with a strategy for how you want to handle this situation. You could approach your father individually or together to explain to him how his new religious fervor is negatively affecting the family relationships, each agree not to continue conversations with him when he brings religion into it, or encourage him to speak to a counselor or a religious leader about how consumed he is with religion and how it is affecting the family. You could also encourage the family to enter family therapy to address these issues. If your father refuses to do this, you could go individually or with your mother to meet with a therapist and get some guidance and support in how to deal with him around this issue.
FX appreciates that this is a very difficult situation for you, and that you must miss your father very much in terms of not having him around physically and emotionally the way he used to be. But hopefully if you and your mother stand your ground in a firm way with him and continue to get support and guidance for yourself, he will eventually get the message that his preoccupation with religion comes at the price of his family.
If you live in northern
Signed: TeenHealthFX
Suicide is the third leading cause of death among youths ages 15 to 20. 
