TeenHealthFX - Answers - Friend Needs An Attitude Adjustment

Friendships: Dealing With People's Differences / Question
Published: June 18, 2008

Dear TeenHealthFX,

I have a friend who is very full of herself. We all love her dearly but only when she isnt being this way. It's as if she shifts into a different person. She speaks horribly to her mother and those around her, putting herself up on her high horse and looking down at everyone else. My friends and I are getting very fed up with this attitude of hers and don't know what to do. Any advice?? sincerely, - my friend needs an attitude adjustment

Signed: Friend Needs An Attitude Adjustment

Dear Friend Needs An Attitude Adjustment,

If you don’t like this particular side of your friend, FX recommends that you talk to her about it. Let her know the qualities in her that make you and your friends love her so dearly. But also be direct and clear with her about the things she can do and say that makes it difficult for all of you to be around her. When you talk to her, try to use a lot of “I” statements and focus on how you feel rather than making “you” statements. This will help things turn into a productive conversation rather than putting her on the defensive and turning the discussion into a fight.

When speaking to your friend, do not use phrases like:

“You sound so horrible when you talk to your mother.”
“You get on your high horse and look down on everyone else – nobody wants to be around that.”
“You’re so full of yourself.”

Do use phrases like:

“It’s hard for me when you yell at your mother like that. I end up feeling very anxious and uncomfortable.”
“When you say things like that, I end up feeling talked down to and condescended to. And I really don’t like feeling that way.”
“There are times when I feel like things become very much about you and the things you need or want. And I’ve been noticing this has been very frustrating for me.”

With how your friend can speak to her mother, and how her personality can shift, you can also take the approach of pointing out what you have been noticing and asking her if everything is okay. The changes you are seeing in your friend may indicate that she is going through some kind of stress or difficult issue emotionally. In that you case you can try saying one or both of the following:

“Whenever I’m around you and your mother it seems like you are so angry with her and yelling at her. I’ve been feeling worried about you and wanted to check in to see if everything was okay with you and your mom.”
“Sometimes I notice you kind of change in terms of how you act and the things you can say. And it made me wonder if everything is okay with you. Are you stressed out at home, at school, or with any of your friends? Because I hope you know I’m here for you if you need to talk about anything.”

If you find you need more support and guidance in how to deal with your friend, FX suggests that you speak with your parents, a school counselor, teacher, or any other trusted adult who can help you with this issue.

Signed: TeenHealthFX