Parents & Family / Question
Published: December 17, 2008
Dear TeenHealthFX,
I am 16 years old, and am very confused about an event that occurred when I was younger. When i was about 7 years old, (possibly younger, I don't remember the exact age) my cousin (about 14 years old at the time) and I were having a sleepover; sharing a bed. I was very close with him at the time, we were simply watching television and telling each other jokes. As time passed, he randomly asked me if I knew what a penis looked/felt like. I replied and told him that I didn't know, so he took my hand and put it down his boxers to where his genitals were. It was only for a couple of seconds, in which he was laughing. I seemed to have forgotten about it over the years, and when I was about 14 it seemed to reoccur in my mind every now and then up to this day. I'm not sure whether this was sexual abuse or not, and this confusion has been making me nervous lately. I'm not sure who to talk to, or if I want to tell anyone about it at that, because I don't want anyone thinking any differently of him. I still love him very much as a cousin and don't want him to get into any sort of trouble. He's now about to get engaged and is a very nice young man and hasn't done anything else out of the ordinary of that sort. I just want the confusion to subside. Please help, thank you.
Signed: Confused About An Event With My Cousin
Dear Confused About An Event With My Cousin,
If this was an isolated incident in terms of any kind of sexually inappropriate behavior on your cousin’s part, nothing more than your touching his genitals for a few seconds happened that evening, and he has generally been kind and respectful to outside of this one incident, FX does not think you need to look at your cousin as some kind of sexual abuse perpetrator. At fourteen, your cousin was going through puberty and was probably dealing with lots of hormonal changes and curiosities about sex and the sexual parts of his body. With all the changes he was going through, it sounds like he momentarily lost his head – doing something inappropriate and with poor judgment. But it doesn’t sound like this was any kind of ongoing issue for him in terms of generally being an abusive person.
FX wants to be clear with you that what he did was not okay. He definitely crossed boundaries of personal space in that moment, and put you in a position where you have been confused and anxious about this for a long time. But it does sound more like a lapse in judgment on his part during the height of puberty rather than about his being any kind of chronic sexual abuser.
FX can imagine that this incident has been difficult for you to wrap your arms around – especially since you are weighing one incident of inappropriate behavior versus your general feeling of him that he is “nice young man.” If you find that there is still confusion for you about this incident, or difficulties relating to him at this point, FX strongly suggests you speak to someone about this. You might start by speaking with a school counselor. Given the nature of the incident and that it happened 9 years ago, FX can’t imagine that your school counselor would feel the need to tell your parents or get your cousin into any kind of trouble. But the counselor may be able to help you come to some of peace that while what your cousin did that night was not okay, it doesn’t necessarily make him this overall bad and deviant person.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
Suicide is the third leading cause of death among youths ages 15 to 20. 
