TeenHealthFX - Answers - Afraid My 17 Year Old Will Hurt Himself If I Push Any Buttons

Parents & Family / Question
Published: November 3, 2008

Dear TeenHealthFX,

I am a mother of a 16 in 4 days a 17 yr old young man. when he was 5 yrs old his brother who was 19 committed suicide. As young as he was he severely depressed.Sleeping,drawings, and expressing desire to die.Took him to conseling and read as many books possible to help him. When he entered adolescence approx at 14 he rebelled against my rules and when disciplined he threaten to commit suicide. He began collecting "switchblades" one time he was very angry and he threathen me with one, I took them from him. We made it trhough the phase of anger, and things were smooth, he had been kind, responsible and complacient. Now at almost 17, he is irresponsible at home not doing his chores keeping up with school, to discipline him I took his xbox he says he will not do his chores until xbox returned I say the opposite, he is been staying at his friends house after school and coming home at 8:00 p.m or 9 yesterday Halloween did not come home to sleep, I kept texting him and return some messages asked him to come home and replied " phone battery is low" It is almost 11:am and have not heard from him. I don't know how to react to this situation. The father is not around lives in another State and does not make attempt to contact him, my son states his o.k with that but I'm not so sure. His b'day is on the fifth of November I want to make a dinner for him but inside I feel like if I'm rewarding him for his behavior. One of my good friends wants to take him to dinner for his b'day but he'll probable say no, and I am embarras to tell my friend so she doesn't dislike him. But most than anything I am afraid to push the wrong button and he might try to hurt himself. I am very scare since I've already lost one son. I am an immigrant from Mexico and I was raised just to obey parents without questioning and I kind of raised my kids like that but not as strict and I have never been physically abusive. But I don't have a relationship with my kids probably because of the way I was raised it is very difficult for me to put my

Signed: Afraid My 17 Year Old Will Hurt Himself If I Push Any Buttons

Dear Afraid My 17 Year Old Will Hurt Himself If I Push Any Buttons,

TeenHealthFX can appreciate the concern you are feeling, as well as the confusion you are experiencing. It sounds like the loss of your first son to suicide has put you in a place of fear that you will lose your second son in some terrible way as well. It also sounds like you are feeling at a loss of how to handle this as you are alone in dealing with this (with his father seemingly uninvolved) and because the cultural perspective of how you grew up may not apply to this generation and the current culture you are now surrounded by.

FX thinks that you do have a tough situation on your hands, but we also feel that there are steps you can take to better the situation. These steps include:

Start attending family therapy where you and your son go on at least a weekly basis to meet with a therapist who can help you to address these issues. It sounds like you may need some guidance when it comes to responding to his acting out in a more effective way. It also possible that your son may be using the threat of suicide as a way to get what he wants because he knows this scares you and that you will only push him so far – so this issue will need to be dealt with as well. It might also be helpful for the two of you to talk about what it has been like for you to have lost such a close family member to suicide, and to not have a father in the picture. It would also be helpful for you and your son to talk about your relationship with one another – what works, what doesn’t work, and what changes you both will need to make to improve the relationship. It sounds like there is anger and a lack of respect that gets in the way of your son following your rules – that anger and disrespect needs to be addressed with both of you.

If your son refuses to come with you to the family therapist, there is no way to make him go – and it is important to remember that. But it is also important to know that his decision not to go does not have to stop you from doing what you want to do. So if he refuses to accompany you, go on your own and discuss with the therapist how you can better handle the situations that come up for the two of you.

Your son might benefit from reading “Letters to a Young Brother: Manifest Your Destiny” by Hill Harper if you want to leave it in his room or someplace where he can come across it. The book deals with helping young men find a healthy way to grow up despite the absence of a father figure. Not having his father or older brother around for guidance has probably been very difficult for your son. He might find the book useful. In addition, it might be helpful for your son to meet with an individual therapist so he can discuss the loss of his brother and the lack of a father-figure in a private setting.

It is very important that you do not go through this alone. You need support to stay strong as you will have some difficult times ahead in dealing with this. Whether you talk to a friend, rely on a family therapist or get your own individual therapist, speak with a counselor at your son’s school, talk with a religious leader, or speak with a family member – it is critical that you have at least 2 people you can go to for emotional support.

Consider reaching out to the staff members at your son’s school. Most schools have a school social worker or psychologist onsite that can assist families with these kinds of problems themselves, or who can refer you to resources in the community that can be helpful to you. FX believes that in these kinds of situations it is very important for the parents and school staff to be on the same page and working together.

Remember that there must be a balance in all healthy relationships between a parent and a child of love and discipline. If the relationship is all love with no rules or all rules with no love, the relationship will have problems. You need to find your balance between providing structure and consequences for you son, with having close and loving times with his as well. Again, family therapy can help you to achieve this balance.

Resources:

If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

If your son is missing for an extended period of time and you do not know his whereabouts, you can contact your local police station or the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children at 1-888-843-5678, 24 hours, 7 days a week.

If you live in northern NJ you can contact First Call For Help at 2-1-1. This is an agency that directs people to community resources that will meet their particular needs. There are First Call For Help agencies outside of NJ. If you live outside of NJ, you could check you local phone book or online to see if there is one near you.

· If you are concerned at any point that your son is suicidal, take him to the nearest emergency room, call 911, or contact the local police. In northern New Jersey you can also call the crisis hotline from Morristown Memorial hospital at 973-540-0100. Outside this area call the Suicide & Crisis Hotline, 1-800-999-9999, 24 hours, 7 days a week.

Signed: TeenHealthFX