Friends / Question
Published: November 10, 2008
Dear TeenHealthFX,
I'm afriad to go to my best friends birthday party. I really want to go, because my best friend means everytihng to me and I'd do anything for her, plus it's her 13th birthday, and I just can't miss her party, but I'm afriad of ruining her party. One of her other friends that will be there makes me so sad. I get jelous when I see the two of them together. They've been friends for a long time and I sometimes think she likes her other frined better then me, even though she tells me all the time that I'm her best friend and she would never leave me. I feel like a bad friend when I get jelous because her other friend goes to a different school and they don't get to see eachother as much as me and her do, and I feel like I'm being selfish by getting all jelous just because she hangs out with her other friend too. I'm depressed and kind of clingy, but only because she's the only person who gives me good attention. I know I'm not her only friend, but I'm her best friend and I feel like I should be at her birthday party without worrying about crying because seeing them together makes me sad... I really need help please! This is really important to me! Please help! She means everytinhg to me...
Signed: Afraid To Go To My Best Friend's Birthday Party
Dear Afraid To Go To My Best Friend's Birthday Party,
If this person is truly your best friend, FX thinks that it is important that you go to her birthday party and be there for her on such a special occasion. You clearly value this relationship very much, so it is important that you not do anything to undermine the strength of your relationship with one another (such as by skipping out on her birthday party). FX understands that you are worried you might somehow “ruin” her party because of sadness or jealousy that might come up for you – but FX wants you to try and have faith in yourself that you will be able to go to the party and conduct yourself in a way that will not reveal to others any feelings you might be struggling with. To help yourself do this FX wants you to concentrate on talking yourself out of any negative thoughts or feelings that come up for you before or during the party. You have certain thought patterns which have formed about this situation – and these thought patterns can be very powerful in affecting your mood and behavior. So you need to have a way to combat these particular thought patterns. Here are some examples of thoughts that might come into your head, given the situation, and ways you can respond:
Negative Thought:
“I hate watching the two of them together. I know my friend likes her other friend better than me.”
Positive response:
“Now that I think about it, that’s probably not a fair statement. For one thing, her friend goes to a different school and she doesn’t get to see her as often as she sees me – so she might spend more time with her at the party. Secondly, my friend has always told me I’m her best friend and she’s never given me any reason to see her as a dishonest person who would lie to me about that. And finally, my friend doesn’t have a limited amount of love she can give out. She may care about her friend, but she has enough love in her to have plenty of caring feelings for me, too. So I need to focus on feeling good about our friendship rather than being worried about it.”
Negative Thought:
“I bet my friend likes her friend better than she likes me.”
Positive response:
“Well, maybe I’m being a little hard on myself. I mean, her friend has a lot of great qualities, but so do I. There are lots of great things about me that make my friend want me as her best friend. I just need to remember the great qualities about myself and the ways I’m a great friend to her – and know that our relationship is very meaningful to her.”
Negative Thought:
“I can’t believe I’m so selfish and jealous and clingy about this and I’m going to ruin everything with me crying and worrying.”
Positive Response:
“Wow, I’m using really harsh words to describe myself. Maybe I’m a little more sensitive then the next person. Maybe I can feel depressed at times. But it’s not as much about being selfish, jealous and clingy as it is about my just really caring about my best friend, valuing our relationship, and not wanting to lose her as a friend. That’s a pretty normal way to feel! I just have to remember that I value her as a friend and don’t want to lose her, but I know that she values me as well and wouldn’t want me out of her life either.”
In addition, if you are worried you are going to react in a way that isn’t helpful while you are at the party, just excuse yourself from the situation for a moment. If you feel like you might start crying, tell your friend that you forgot you were supposed to call your mom about something. Then you can call your mom for a pep talk, or just take some time alone to get yourself together before re-joining the party. To cheer yourself up, think about fun times the two of you have had together, or loving gestures your friend has made towards you. Remind yourself of how special you are to your friend and how special the relationship is to both of you.
These are tools that you can use for this situation or any other where you feel your head and your heart are not matching up. With this situation, it sounds like you know in your head that you friend cares very much about you, but that you end up with fear and worry in your heart. If you find that using these tools do not help you in the long-run to feel better, you might consider meeting with a therapist to help you develop some additional tools and skills that will help you to feel more secure in your relationships. But for now, just keep reminding yourself that your friend obviously cares about you a great deal, and that as lucky as you are to have her – she is equally lucky to have you.
If you live in northern
Signed: TeenHealthFX
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