More Than Friends Or Just Friends / Question
Published: January 31, 2009
Dear TeenHealthFX,
i had sexual encouters with my male best friend and he knows im sexually attracted to him. He had gay urges and desires, and we had sex. He currently lets me give him oral sex but being attracted to him i want more. He says no and he has a girl friend, he still lets me give him oral sex but it pains me when he rejects my advances and i know hes straight but it hurts knowing that we did sexual things and that we cant do them anymore were it came to the point of me not wanting to be his best friend. so im asking should we give up on our friendship even though i dont want to or should we remain as friends and i remain giving him oral sex.
Signed: Having Sex With Best Friend Who Has A Girlfriend
Dear Having Sex With Best Friend Who Has A Girlfriend,
This is a complicated situation in terms of what is going on for your friend. Your friend may be holding onto his girlfriend and being physically intimate with you simply because it’s hard for him to be exclusive and he wants to “have his cake and eat it to.” On the other hand, your friend may likely be in conflict between what he thinks his life “should” look like and what feels right to him. In other words, he sticks with his girlfriend because he thinks he “should” be heterosexual and have a female significant other, but he is intimate with you because there is a part of him that is attracted to men. If this is the case, the fact that he will not advance the relationship with you says that he is too stuck in what he feels he “should” be doing rather than what he feels is right for who he is. It is very difficult to “come out,” and, understandably, your friend may not be ready to do that yet.
Either way, it sounds like your friend is in a place where he has a lot to figure out – whether it’s an issue of being in a committed relationship or an issue about sexual orientation, or both. And, subsequently, he is not in a place to give you what you want emotionally. In terms of what to do, FX thinks that you need to figure out what will be healthiest for you in the long run. FX wants you to consider that if you stay in a friendship with him and continue to be physically intimate, that this may become very hurtful for you because you will probably come to be more and more attached to him, and more and more frustrated by what you can’t have. In order for you to move on to someone who is available to be in a relationship with you, you may have to give up being physically intimate with your friend, and maybe even put some distance in the relationship.
FX also wants you to think about your physical well-being. You are having oral sex with someone who (assuming he is sexually active with his girlfriend) has other sexual partners. FX hopes that you are practicing safer sex methods as you need to guard your physical well-being as well as your emotional well-being in this case.
If you find you continue to feel confused about this situation, and need further support and guidance, consider speaking to a school counselor or private therapist. If you have any reason to believe you may have contracted any STDs if you had unprotected oral sex, consider meeting with a medical health professional to be tested for STDs.
If you live in northern
If you don't have a doctor and live in northern
Being gay is a biologically normal thing, but it can be challenging in a society where homosexuality is not always tolerated. If you need support and guidance regarding your own sexual orientation, consider contacting the following hotlines:
- Gay and Lesbian National Hotline, 1-888-THE-GLNH (366-8288), 24hours, 7 days a week
- Gays and Lesbian Teens, 1-800-850-8078, 24 hours, 7days a week. A crisis hotline for gay, lesbian and questioning youth, ages 25 and younger.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
In the 
