Significant Others: Girlfriends & Boyfriends / Question
Published: February 9, 2009
Dear TeenHealthFX,
I'm 17 years old, living in Idaho, and I'm struggling a great deal in my current 'relationship'. The thing is, I used to date this guy and I love him, but we broke up because he didnt see it going anywhere; then again, he didnt see anything going anywhere at the time because he was severly depressed. He's been a lot happier lately and we've been together sexually on a few occasions. He's always really caring when we're together and telling me he needs me. I want to talk to him about where we are but I dont know how because I dont want to ruin what we have. I feel really selfish because from where I stand it seems that I'm getting more out of the relationship. I'm losing sleep and getting depressed from worrying about his. My question is how do I ask him if we can try again, or at the very least make him understand my feelings? Thank you, in advance.
Signed: Idaho Girl Struggling In My Current
Dear Idaho Girl Struggling In My Current,
There are several components to a healthy dating relationship. One is the ability to have open, honest communication. Another is for both people to have respect for their own feelings and needs, as well as their partner’s. And, yet another is for both partners to find ways to take care of one another – not for one partner to constantly be taking care of the other’s needs and emotions.
It sounds like you are unhappy with the current status of the relationship – that you would like it to be more defined as an exclusive dating relationship and have it be clear the relationship is not just a sexual one. Your feelings about this are absolutely okay – you are entitled to feel unhappy if a relationship is not where you want it to be, and you have every right to want certain things out of your relationship. So it is important that you communicate how you feel to this person. Let him know your concerns – that you are worried by raising this it will somehow be hurtful to him or the relationship. But let him know that you need to raise this because you are becoming stressed and depressed over it. And then let him know how you are feeling and what you need to know from him.
While you are entitled to your feelings and wanting certain things in your life, it doesn’t mean it will always go your way. By raising this, you do need to be prepared that you may not hear what you want to. That he may tell you he can’t give more or that he is not ready to be exclusively dating. You then need to decide what is right for you. Do you end it altogether or accept what you do have? Given what you wrote, FX wants you to think about whether you are truly okay emotionally with your current status and if you will truly be okay keeping it that way. You said you don’t want to ruin what you have, but it also sounds like you are unhappy and dissatisfied with what you have.
What is important here is that you communicate how you feel – without that kind of open communication your relationship will not be a healthy one that can move to further levels. In addition, you need to see your feelings and needs as just as important as his. Your stress and depression over the current status of the relationship does not need to be kept on the back burner with his feelings automatically taking priority.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
One out of every six American women have been the victims of an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime. A total of 17.7 million women have been victims of these crimes. 
