Significant Others: Girlfriends & Boyfriends / Question
Published: March 9, 2009
Dear TeenHealthFX,
I met the single most amazing boys I've ever known about a year and three months ago. We've know ever since the beginning that what we were starting was something that was going to follow us for a lifetime, but every now and then we need little 'breaks' because both of our lives are high-stress. His parents are abusive drinkers, mine are dysfunctional/on the verge of a divorce. I'm in the middle of soph. year and he's going to get his AED because he dropped out, again because of his parents. They kicked him out of their house for 3 months last summer. Right now, we're in the middle of one of our off times,since his parents won't let us have ANY contact. Just before this, though, we had a nasty breakup. I called him up one night and told him that he was THE one, and I know he felt horrible for cold-shouldering me. He told me he felt the same and then we lost contact. I'm starting to wonder if it might just be easier and less time consuming for me to get over him and get someone else. The problem is the minute I think about any other guy, I want him, and nobody else. I've been asked out and had offers, all of which I've turned down without a second thought because all me is wrapped around this boy. I just CAN'T get over him! Is it worth my time to keep up my relationship with him until we can move out and get a place together, or just find somewhere to stay close together? Do you have any tips for strengthening the relationship we have and, for lack of better words, PARENT-proofing it? (My parents love this boy as much as their own son, so it's not my mom and dad objecting.) Thanks SO much for any help you can offer up!
Signed: Parent-Proofing My Relationship
Dear Parent-Proofing My Relationship,
TeenHealthFX sees two issues here – the relationships problems that you and your boyfriend have within your own families, and the relationship issues that are currently there between the two of you. And FX will address these issues one at a time.
First, FX thinks that it would be helpful for you and your boyfriend to come up with plans about how each of you will deal with your current family dynamics. For you, it might be engaging in individual or family therapy to address your parents impending divorce, as well as whatever “dysfunctional” dynamics are going on in your home. For your boyfriend, FX is concerned that you describe his parents as “abusive drinkers” and mention that they have kicked him out of the house for months at a time. FX thinks that it is very important for him to speak with a school counselor, private therapist, police officer, mental health worker in a hospital emergency room, or anyone else who can evaluate the situation to see if your boyfriend is safe at home. Your boyfriend could even call child protective services himself if he is not sure who he can go to. Whether contacted by another adult, by your boyfriend, or even by you, it may be necessary for child protective services to become involved if he is being abused in some way and if his parents both are alcoholics. Ideally, it would be great if his parents could get treatment to address their alcohol addictions and their relationships with your boyfriend, but at the very least it is important for him to get individual therapy and support from trusted adults to ensure that he is in a safe environment and to help him cope with all he has been through. If he refuses to seek help, let him know that you plan on speaking to your school counselor or another trusted adult who can come up with a plan of how he can be helped with his home situation.
Now we come to your dating relationship. Given what each of you is dealing with at home – especially what your boyfriend is going through – FX can easily imagine that it is going to be very difficult for the two of you to maintain on ongoing, stable relationship with one another. Not only do you have his parents disapproving of the relationship, but you also have your boyfriend dealing with some extremely difficult situations that will make it hard for him to be consistently focused on being there for you and the relationship in a healthy way. This is normal and understandable given his situation at home.
That said FX thinks that the first step you two need to take is figuring out how to effectively address these issues at home, and then come up with a plan about how you want to work your relationship in the meantime. Do you want to try and continue to date during this time? Do you want to simply stay on contact as supports for one another without the pressure of an exclusive relationship? Do you want to hold off on the relationship until you see what happens with him at home once some adults are involved and intervening on his behalf? Do you want to make a pact to check in after you graduate high school when you both will have some more freedom to see whether or not you want to re-start the relationship? You have several options and will have to come up together with which option makes the most sense for the two of you right now.
You and your boyfriend might find the following resources helpful:
- If you live in northern
- If you live in
- If you live outside of NJ, you can look online or in your phone book for your local child protective service agency number or call the Child Abuse Hotline at1-800-792-8610, 24 hours, 7days a week.
- If your boyfriend has any thoughts of running away, he can call the National Runaway Switchboard, 1-800-621-4000, 24 hours, 7days a week. This hotline offers help if you have runaway or thinking of running away.
- Youth Crisis Hotline, 1-800-448-4663, 24 hours, 7 days a week, for youths, 17 years of age or younger who are in crisis.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
Each year, half of all HIV infections are among people under the age of 25.
