TeenHealthFX - Answers - Weird To Have Little Interest In Dating?

ME & Relationships / Question
Published: March 9, 2009

Dear TeenHealthFX,

I have a couple question: Does it make me weird that I'm not interested in dating? And why aren't I? I'm 14, and my friends, not to mention the entire school, have dated someone every year, but yet I'm left in the dust. My friends do a little teasing here and there and often try and hook me up with people. But I have no attraction to them. I have seen boys that I think are really cute, but I have no desire to talk to them. And I'm constantly turning down people who ask me out. So does this make me awkward? What reasons could there be that I'm uninterested? I'm depressed, I've been evaluated, could that be a factor? I also hang out with more guy friends that girls, so now that I see how guys(Not saying all) behave, I'm uninterested? I'm just really confused, and sorry for all the questions. You don't have to answer them all.

Signed: Weird To Have Little Interest In Dating?

Dear Weird To Have Little Interest In Dating?,

Everyone goes through life at a different pace, and it is completely normal for someone who is 14 to not be interested yet in dating. It doesn’t mean that something is wrong with that person, and it is very likely that in their own time they will come to a place where dating is more of an important focus. In fact, FX thinks that it can be unhealthy for teens – especially younger teens – to be overly focused on dating, being physically intimate, and wanting to grow up too fast. So, even though you may feel in the minority at your particular school, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you.

There are many reasons why a teen may not be interested in dating. It might be that:

Different teens just go at different paces, so some teens will be ready for dating before others.
Adolescence is a time where people are often trying to figure out who they are. Some people may focus on developing themselves as individuals before thinking about who they want to be matched up with in the dating world.
Adolescence is often a time where people feel less secure about themselves. So many teens simply feel too self-conscious to date. With time and with feeling more self-confident, dating with become more of a priority.
There are so many opportunities for teens these days – between school, sports, extra-curricular activities, and more – many teens find that dating is not where they want to put there time and energy into. They might rather put their time into their photography projects, swim meets, part-time work, student government causes or whatever else.
Since you mention being depressed, it is possible for depression to impact a person’s desire to date. Depression often decreases a person’s energy and motivation, and can cause a person to isolate more – so that would make dating less of an interest. In addition, people who are depressed are often dealing with a low self-esteem – and it can be hard to put yourself in the dating world if you don’t feel good about yourself.
Other mental health issues can also make it hard to be in relationships – people dealing with bipolar disorder, anxiety or psychotic disorders, people with substance abuse issues, or even people with ADHD may find relationships to be a challenge.
Some people have grown up with families where they have had conflictual, strained, or distant relationships with parents and even siblings. If there have been negative relationships with important figures in the past, it can be hard for people to think about dating because they may worry the dating relationships will be just the same as these earlier ones.

If you are going at your own pace, have other things that you like to focus on, or simply need time to develop your own identity and to feel more self-confident, FX thinks that it is absolutely fine for you to start dating whenever you feel ready. There is definitely no rush – especially at 14. If you think there may be depression issues for you and/or family relationship issues that may be impacting your friendships and dating relationships, FX suggests you consider speaking with your school counselor, as well as a private therapist. That way you can get some support and guidance in dealing with these issues so you can feel better about yourself and more comfortable in pursuing relationships with others.

If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

Signed: TeenHealthFX