TeenHealthFX - Answers - Girlfriend's 19 Year Old Son Having Relationship With Much Older Man

Questionable Relationships / Question
Published: April 22, 2009

Dear TeenHealthFX,

please help my girlfriends 19 year old son is having a relationship with a much older male, possibly sexual. I am concerned if anything trauamtic could have happened to him to seek this kind of relationship out, how do I handle this with out alienating him more thanx

Signed: Girlfriend's 19 Year Old Son Having Relationship With Much Older Man

Dear Girlfriend's 19 Year Old Son Having Relationship With Much Older Man,

TeenHealthFX thinks that it is wonderful that you want to be helpful to your girlfriend’s son – that you would like to find a way to reach out to him and be there for him in an understanding manner where he is more likely to respond to in a positive way.

FX thinks that you should first speak to your girlfriend about your concerns and decide (based on all of your relationships with one another) who the best person would be to speak to him. It might be best for it to just be you, just be your girlfriend, or to be the both of you together. Whoever speaks to him should start out by saying that you have some questions and concerns about him. Let him know up front that you worry he might feel defensive or angry about what you want to talk about – but that you want him to be clear that you concerns are not coming from an angry or critical place. Then share your concerns with him – the nature of his relationship with this man and whether there has ever been any history of sexual abuse that he would form such a relationship with an older man. It is possible that your girlfriend’s son is gay, and is confused about who to turn to about this – so he has turned towards an older man. It is possible that he has been sexually abused and is currently forming unhealthy sexual attachments as a result. It is also possible that the nature of the relationship with this man is not sexual in nature. So you want to start out by clarifying for yourself the nature of the relationship and whether he has ever been abused, and then talk about your concerns based on what he says.

Throughout this conversation it will be very important to stay calm and to stay compassionate towards him. He will feel alienated if he feels that any anger or criticism is directed towards him. He needs to know you are on his side and only want to be helpful to him, and that your concerns come from a caring, loving place.

Depending on what information he gives you, you can let him know that you hope that now or in the future he will come and talk to you if he ever has any kind of problem he is struggling with. In addition, we have listed different resources that might be useful to him whether he generally needs therapy, is struggling with his sexual orientation, and/or has been through some form of abuse in the past. You can use your judgment based on your conversation with him as to what resources would be most helpful for him. You can also tell him about TeenHealhtFX and urge him to use our site as an additional resource.

Resources:

If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 888-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

Gay and Lesbian National Hotline, 1-888-THE-GLNH (366-8288), 24hours, 7 days a week

Gays and Lesbian Teens, 1-800-850-8078, 24 hours, 7 days a week. A crisis hotline for gay, lesbian and questioning youth, ages 25 and younger.

The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Community Center is the largest multi-service organization on the East Coast and the second largest LGBT community center in the world. They work to provide various types of services and education related to important LGBT issues. They also offer YES (Youth Enrichment Services), a program to help end isolation for many LGBT youths. FX thinks it would be helpful for you to check out their website. If you do not live in the New York City area to get directly involved with The Center, contact them and tell them where you live so that they can give you recommendations about possible resources in your area.

Centerlink (formerly known as The National Association of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Community Centers) serves over 165 LGBT community centers across the country. These communities serve over 1.5 million people with direct services, educational efforts, and working towards social change.

Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN), 1-800-656-HOPE (4673), 24 hours, 7days a week.

Signed: TeenHealthFX