TeenHealthFX - Answers - Tormented by Younger Sister

Sibling Issues / Question
Published: July 20, 2009

Dear TeenHealthFX,

I am an 18-year-old male who, embarrassingly, is being verbally abused by his 17-year-old sister. She ruthlessly criticizes me for making small mistakes and blames them on fundamental flaws in my character and personality. For example, when I misplaced a job application I picked up the other day, she said, "You're so pathetic! You can't be trusted with anything!" The worst thing is, she's usually right. I am very absent-minded and I tend to lose things. Every nasty comment she makes has a grain of truth. She, on the other hand, has comparatively few flaws. She's smart, beautiful, confident, successful, and irreproachably kind to everyone except me and my father. Because my mother isn't around much any more, my sister feels like it's her duty to "look after me" and treats me like a bad puppy who needs to be trained. My self-confidence plummets whenever she's around. I'm worried that I won't be able to have normal relationships with women because of this. How can I deal with her and any harmful effects she has had on me? Tormented by Younger Sister

Signed: Tormented by Younger Sister

Dear Tormented by Younger Sister,

Your may think your sister has few flaws but her approach to you indicates that what lies beneath the surface is not as confident as she projects on the outside. Your sister is overly critical and some of her responses are abusive which has caused you considerable not to mention the negative effect on your self esteem. People who are truly confident and comfortable with themselves tend not to hurt others with their words. In fairness to your sister your mom’s absence may have impacted her more then you realize. You acknowledge that she has tried to take on a parenting role which is most likely overwhelming for her let alone any teenager. The sad part is that she most likely is as equally as hard on herself and very self-critical of her own short comings. However, it does give her the right to be verbally demeaning to you.

You didn’t mention why your “mother isn't around much anymore,” or how your dad responds to you and your sister. A significant change has taken place in the family and the fall out has impacted everyone in your family. TeenHealthFX thinks it would be beneficial and strongly recommends that you approach your father about getting into family therapy. Your sister’s hostility towards you certainly needs to be addressed but so do some other things. It is unhealthy for your sister to take on this type of parenting role. She is 17 and needs to enjoy life as a teenager. Your dad may need help rebalancing the family and putting appropriate boundaries in place with him firmly in the role as parent. When there are major life changes in a family it affects everyone and help is needed.

If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 888-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. Your family doctor can also be a useful resource. He/She most likely have worked with mental health professionals before and could recommend a therapist in your area.

Signed: TeenHealthFX