When Crushes Or Dating Gets Between Friends / Question
Published: September 23, 2009
Dear TeenHealthFX,
I'm 12 YO and have a friend who is dating the girl I like again after they broke up. I do like that girl a lot and every time they hug or kiss I feel so mad and want to kill myself. Then he always tells me every thing so he tells me he likes another girl he dated more then once already and flirts with her sometimes and that really gets me mad because the girl I like, really likes him and I hated myself when I saw her really sad last time after they broke up and felt like hurting my friend for doing that. So now I want them to stay together so the girl I like can stay happy but i don't think the relationship won't last long. HELP! WHAT DO I DO!? Signed:hate my friend
Signed: Hate My Friend Who Is Dating The Girl I Like
Dear Hate My Friend Who Is Dating The Girl I Like,
TeenHealthFX is concerned about the amount of distress you are experiencing with this situation. While FX can appreciate that you would feel upset at having your best friend date someone you are interested in, we are very concerned that it is affecting you to the point where you get so angry you want to kill yourself.
As for dealing with your friend about this situation, FX thinks that it would be fine for you to say something to him like, “I really like the girl you are dating, so it’s hard for me to see you guys together and it’s very difficult for me to hear any details about your relationship with her or about other girls you are interested in. I do see that I am having a particularly hard time dealing with this, and I am going to work on that. But in the mean time I would appreciate if you could be sensitive to how this is affecting me in terms of how you act or what you say in front of me with this relationship.”
While it’s fine to put that out there, and may be temporarily helpful to you, the most important thing here is that you get help in dealing with the extreme emotional reactions you are having. Again, it is understandable that seeing your friend with the girl you like would be bothersome to an extent – but to be angry to the point where you want to hurt yourself is a serious concern. FX recommends that you talk to a trusted adult as soon as possible about your reaction to this situation. You could speak to your parents, a school counselor, teacher, extended family member, or any other trusted adult who can be there for you with support and guidance. FX thinks that it is important that you have a good support system around you right now at home and at school, and we also think that it is important for you to meet with a mental health professional for a consultation. The fact that you are responding with such anger and that you are having thoughts of harming yourself could indicate a mood disorder, difficulties dealing with other problematic environmental stressors at home or school, and/or the need to develop healthier coping mechanisms. A therapist could assess what is contributing to your intense emotional reaction to this situation and work with you on whatever the contributing factors are so that you are better able to handle this situation (or similar situations in the future), as well as to decrease any thoughts of self-harm.
Again, it is fine to take some time to let your friend know how his current dating situation is impacting you. However, your main focus should be getting the help, support, and treatment you need to find out why you are having such an intense emotional reaction to this situation, and what kind of help or treatment you need to feel better.
If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.
If you get to the point that you are seriously considering suicide or are afraid of your impulses then you need to seek help immediately. You can call 911 or go to your nearest hospital emergency room. In northern New Jersey you can also call the crisis hotline from Morristown Memorial hospital at 973-540-0100. Outside this area call the Suicide & Crisis Hotline, 1-800-999-9999, 24 hours, 7 days a week.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
Teens whose parents talk to them regularly about the dangers of drugs are 42% less likely to use drugs than those whose parents don’t, yet only 1 in 4 teens report having these conversations. 
