TeenHealthFX - Answers - My Mother Is Only Nice To Me When My Dad Is Around

Parents & Family / Question
Published: September 28, 2009

Dear TeenHealthFX,

I can't stand my mum. When my dad's around, my mum is like a totally different person, being nice to me and my younger sister. But when my dad's overseas, she became easily pissed and have mood swings. Everything I do seems wrong to her and she finds fault in everything I say. She always shout at me and I often end up slamming my door and hiding myself in my room for the rest of the day. I tried being nice to her but she still doesn't change how she treats me. I feel like an adopted child, kind of "second class". I think she doesn't give a damn about me. My mum cares about my cousins more than me. And last time when I was hospitalised in the intensive care unit, she didn't even come and visit me. Without my dad around, I'll never call this place my home. I'd rather get adopted than stay with my mum. Help me please. I feel so depressed. Am I at fault for making my mum dislike me?

Signed: My Mother Is Only Nice To Me When My Dad Is Around

Dear My Mother Is Only Nice To Me When My Dad Is Around,

TeenHealthFX is sorry to hear that your relationship with your mother feels so strained when your father is away. FX can understand that it may feel as if she doesn’t like you or like it is your fault, as these are very common emotions for children and teens to have when they feel mistreated in some way by a parent. However, FX would like you to know that it is absolutely NOT your fault if your mother is every hurtful or cruel to you. It is her choice and decision as to how to act and respond to you – you cannot make her feel a particular way or do something.

Think about it this way: you are at the park and watch two young child fall down and scrape their knees. The mother of one child runs over and kisses her child and soothes her; the mother of the other child stays where she is and tells the child to stop crying and get over it. The two children did the exact same thing, but the mothers reacted differently – maybe one mother is more nurturing than the other, maybe one mother had a particularly difficult and stressful day than the other and doesn’t have it in her that day to be sympathetic, perhaps one mother is overprotective and overly anxious and has to jump up and run to the child no matter what happens. No matter what the reason, the mother’s response is based on her mood, her personality, her life experiences – the child cannot illicit any guaranteed response.

As for why your mother’s mood changes when your father is not around, FX can only speculate. If he travels frequently perhaps she feels overwhelmed when he is gone to take care of the house and family all on her own, so she gets easily agitated. If your father is going overseas to war, it is very possible that your mother feels incredibly anxious about his well-being while he is gone and angry he has to go fight – and then her mood becomes irritable. It is also possible that your mother suffers from some kind of mood disorder – maybe the soothing presence of your father helps her to keep her mood disorder under wraps while he is home, but then her mood is more unstable with him gone. These are just a few of many possibilities. FX is not presenting these possibilities to justify how she treats you – but to help illustrate to you that it is not your fault and it may have nothing to do with you or how much she loves you.

FX can understand why you would be feeling so unhappy and distressed at dealing with her changes in mood when your father is not home. As much as there might be a very understandable reason for her mood changes, it does not mean it is okay for her to continue to act this way. Whatever the issue she is dealing with when your father is away, FX feels strongly that she needs to find a way to deal with it so that she can consistently give you the love and attention you need whether your father is home or not.

FX suggests that you start by speaking to your mother privately about this. Let your mother know that you notice a difference in how she relates to you when your father is home versus when he is overseas. Tell her that you do not know why this happens, but you are becoming very distraught and depressed at how the relationship changes with your father gone, and you would like to see how you and she can work on this issue so that your relationship with her feels more stable and consistent.

If talking to your mother is not helpful then FX suggests you try speaking with your father or with both of your parents when they are home together. Direct your concerns more to your father – let him know exactly what changes when he is not around, how those changes affect you, and that you tried to speak to your mother about this but it didn’t change anything. Let your father know that this has become too upsetting and overwhelming for you to deal with on your own and that you need his help in figuring out how to improve this situation.

At any point in your conversation with your mother and/or your father, you can certainly suggest family therapy. Ideally it would be great if you could go with both of your parents, but if your father is away it would also be great for you to be able to go with just you and your mother. And if both your parents seem resistant to therapy or doing anything to address this situation in general, then FX thinks it would be very helpful for you to be in your own therapy – to get guidance and support in how to deal with this situation at home in a way where you do not feel so depressed and where you do not end up blaming yourself for how your mother treats you.

If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

Signed: TeenHealthFX