TeenHealthFX - Answers - An Issue With My Mom And My Hair

Parents & Family / Question
Published: October 21, 2009

Dear TeenHealthFX,

I absolutely HATE the length of my hair! I'm a 13 year old female in 7th grade & in elementary school kids would say to me something like "wow your hair is really long" now their saying it's TOO long. I tell them I know its too long but my mom wont let me cut it. When my mom was a kid she had really long hair too. Longer than mine (mine just about reaches by butt now) and she accidentally cut it short when trying to take out a hair piece. She said all the girls teased her on how "they had the longest hair then & not her" but my mom doesn't get it. Long hair that goes to or past your butt isn't exactly in style anymore. I try to tell her that kind of stuff & she just tells me I want it cut cuz all the other kids think I should get it cut. She doesn't understand that I want it cut cuz I want it cut & not cuz all the other kids think I should get it cut. She says things like "I'm too old now & my hair is too short but at least YOU can have long hair & be special & pretty". pft. Everyone calls me a hippie. That's not exactly what I would like to be called. Especially when it comes to guys I like, I get way too self - conscious. I think most guys wouldn't like a girl, I mean, a hippie by their side. It's like shes trying to live my life! I can't take it anymore! It's hard to take care of, hard to fix, nearly impossible to make look good, gets caught on stuff & get snapped off sometimes when it gets caught on stuff. It hurts & when it's in public it's embarrassing. (I know it doesn't sound like it but it is) Sometimes when I ask her if I can cut it she says no then brings up the peer pressure thing with the other kids, then she'll tell me its the only reason I'm special. What about all the A's I get in honors? What about my drawing skills? What about my figure? Nope. My hair is the only reason I'm special & if I get it cut I'll just look like all the other kids. Sometimes she'll call me stupid for wanting to get it cut. But it's MY hair. I DID cut it back in March but only a few inches & she

Signed: An Issue With My Mom And My Hair

Dear An Issue With My Mom And My Hair,

TeenHealthFX appreciates that this issue with your mother regarding your hair is a frustrating one for you. For one thing, it sounds like you are not feeling respected as an individual – that your hair style has become more about what your mother wants and who your mother is than representative of who you are. Second, it sounds like you are not feeling valued by your mother about things other than your hair, which must feel very hurtful to you.

To address this issue, FX suggests that you start by asking your mother if the two of you could fine some time to talk privately and without interruption. Then let her know that you are feeling upset about this issue of your hairstyle and that you would like the chance to explain a couple of things to her and for her to really listen to what you have to say. Then tell her that you have been feeling a great deal of sadness and frustration about this issue of your hairstyle. Let her know that it feels to you like she is too connected with the kind of hair she likes on you rather than respecting that you are a different person with your own tastes when it comes to the hairstyle you would like. Let her know that there will be things in life the two of you might not always have the same tastes and opinions on, but that is okay – having your own ideas about things is what makes each of you special, and it is important to you that she be okay with your being different in certain ways. It’s just normal and natural that you would be.

Then let your mother know that you feel that your hair is the main thing she values in you – that you are worried that without this long hair she wouldn’t see you as being special. Tell your mother that you think there are lots of things that make you a special person – such as your grades, your drawing skills, and how you take care of physical health – and let her know that it would be very meaningful to you if she placed value on these things, too.

If you find that this conversation doesn’t go as you planned or isn’t as productive as you had hoped, than consider some alternative ways of addressing this issue with your mother. You could ask your father or an extended family member for some help in facilitating a helpful conversation about this issue. Or you could suggest to your mother that the two of you meet with a family therapist so you could work together on a way to resolve this issue.

If you try different ways of discussing this with your mother – talking to her alone, with the help of a family member, or with the guidance of a family therapist – and it doesn’t seem to help the issue, then FX suggests you meet with your school counselor or a private therapist on your own to discuss your concerns. Ideally it would be best for this issue to be resolved between you and your mother, but unfortunately that is not always possible. And if that can’t happen, it is important that you have a safe place where you can talk about your feelings and work on healthy ways to cope with what must feel like a very difficult situation.

If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

Signed: TeenHealthFX