Parents & Family / Question
Published: October 14, 2009
Dear TeenHealthFX,
My mom and i have never truly gotten along. She changes her mind all the time. She is pushing me away. I have always tried to please her. But somehow its never enough. I never did well in school until now.She always used to say that if i did well in school how happy she would be and how no one would ever say anything. But now i don't know how i can believe anything she says. Because she still mistrusts me, everything i do is wrong, she changes the rules all the time. I just.. Idk.. :( When i turn eighteen im moving out. However that isnt until July. Id like to have a better relationship however i dont think that is possible. How do i deal with her so that i dont suffer any of her "consequences" ? Help please.
Signed: My Mom And I Have Never Truly Gotten Along
Dear My Mom And I Have Never Truly Gotten Along,
TeenHealthFX is sorry that you have such a strained relationship with your mother to the point where you are planning on leaving the house as soon as you are old enough. It is clear from what you wrote that you would like things to be different between the two of you – and we are sorry that kind of change is feeling so unlikely to you right now.
Here are some suggestions of things you can try, as well as some things FX wants you to remember:
· You can try sitting down with your mother to discuss how you feel. Let her know what troubles you about the relationship and ask her if she would be willing to discuss these issues, either between the two of you or with the help of a family therapist.
· If your mother does not want to address the relationship issues and/or things continue to stay the same, consider getting into individual therapy. A therapist can provide you with guidance as to how to deal with your mother’s moods, behaviors, rules, and such. A therapist can also provide you with some much-needed support and encouragement so that you can make decisions in your life that are the healthiest for you.
· If things between you and your mother do not change over the next several months, for whatever reason, then think about how you want to handle the time left at home. Do you want to try and ignore her and focus on the fact that it is only a short amount of time before you can leave? Do you want to take her on and call on stuff when you feel she’s in the wrong? What will work best for you is up to you. Again, a therapist may be able to help you figure out how you want to handle this particular time.
· If your plan is to move out, start thinking now about how you can realistically make this happen. Where are you going to live? How can you support yourself? Who can you turn to for guidance and support once you are no longer living at home? It would be helpful for you to start thinking now about what you need to have together for yourself so that you can move out when you want and be able to take care of yourself.
· Start expanding your support system. You only have one mother, and nobody can simply replace her and that special connection the two of you have as mother and child. However, there are adults and peers out there who can be there for you with love, support, and guidance – who can pass on wisdom, who can be giving to you, and who can be there as a shoulder to lean on. If you come to see that you are not going to be able to get these things from your mother, consider who else you can turn to. Whether it’s a private therapist, classmates, people you work with, or whomever else you come across now and in the future – expand your support system to include trustworthy and emotionally healthy adults and peers who can be there for you.
· Remember that it is impossible for you to make your mother feel any particular way. If she is going to feel happy, pleased with you, pleased with her own life, or whatever else – she, alone, has to make that decision. It sounds like too much responsibility has been put on you, and taken on by you, in terms of the idea that it is up to you how your mother feels, thinks, and acts. For example, your mother’s happiness does not depend on whether or not you do well in school. If she wants to be happy, she has to decide that for herself. Don’t blame yourself or beat yourself up if your mother chooses to be sad, angry, or whatever else.
· Just as your mother is responsible for her own thoughts, feelings and behaviors, you are responsible for yours. How you feel and what you do is in your power and control. While FX does not want you to fault yourself for your mother’s choices, as you move into adulthood try not to blame her for your own. Think about what you want out of life, and make a plan as to how you can get there. It might not always be smooth and easy – but FX knows you can get there.
If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
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