TeenHealthFX - Answers - How Can I Help My Isolated Classmate?

Concerned About A Friend / Concerned About A Friend's Influence On Me / Question
Published: November 6, 2009

Dear TeenHealthFX,

There's a kid in my class, that i observe occasionally. He's chinese I believe, and is always looking very sad. People tell me, "he never talks" "he's mute." and so the other day ago I decided to go sit by him, I walked over to him put some pretzels in front of him and said "they're really good" but he showed no contact. and stayed in his position. I told him a story, and a kid on the other side said "it's like talking to a brick wall" and I said, "it's like talking to a human being." and walked back to my seat. Then it looked as though he were crying but Im not sure. I just want to know some ways I can encourage him to speak to me. or just be there as a friend, even if he never does. Im not sure if he speaks english, cause he never talks. I really want to help as much as i can.

Signed: How Can I Help My Isolated Classmate?

Dear How Can I Help My Isolated Classmate?,

TeenHealthFX hopes that you are proud of yourself for standing up for this classmate. It can be hard sometimes for people to tolerate differences in others – and this can be especially hard during adolescence when fitting in is of such high importance. It is very thoughtful and sensitive of you to be aware of this person and that he might be feeling isolated and alone – which is, obviously, not a great way to feel.

As for his limited contact with others and minimal response to your attempts to talk to him, there could be a few reasons:

· English is his second language and it is difficult for him to understand or respond to what you are saying, so he is mostly silent around others.

· He is dealing with some kind of emotional issue that makes it difficult for him to interact with others.

· He has a history of being made fun of by peers, so he is skeptical of your approaching him. If peers have not been particularly kind to him over the years, he may question your motives of speaking to him and not give much of a response and risk opening himself up to any kind of ridicule.

· If he is new or newer to the country, it is possible that he is having a difficult time adjusting to a new home, new school, and new culture. He may be feeling sad and somewhat lost – maybe even feeling different and unsure how to relate to others.

FX could go on speculating, but the fact of the matter is that there could be lots of reasons for his lack of response to you and his crying. FX suggests that you start by asking a school counselor about him. Tell your counselor about your experience and find out a little bit more about this person’s history – like he is new to the country, is English his second language, does he have any emotional issues he might be dealing with? Once you have your information, brainstorm with your school counselor how you could be helpful to this person. For example:

· If English is his second language, would he benefit by having some time with you each week to practice his English?

· If his English is fine, but he is having trouble fitting in for whatever reason, how you help him assimilate and adjust?

In addition to coming up with a plan with your school counselor about how you can be helpful, keep in mind the following:

· Whatever this person is going through, he could probably use some empathy – see if there is a way to convey your compassion to him about how hard it must be to be learning a new language, living someplace new, being on the outskirts of the social scene, or whatever specifically is going on.

· Remember that this guy is a person, not a project – so always be sure to treat him with respect and not look down on him as just being this person in need.

· Whenever you get the chance, try and open up your peers’ minds about what he might be dealing with and how they choose to respond to him. Depending on what this person is dealing with you could say something to an unkind classmate like, “How would you feel if you were suddenly living in another country not knowing the language or the culture? Maybe instead of being mean, you could cut him a break.” Or you could say something like, “Don’t you think it must be really hard to feel so isolated? Maybe you could try to be his friend or at least be nice to him rather than making his life even more difficult.” Again, what you would say would depend on what you learn about him from your school counselor.

FX thinks that it is fantastic that you recognize when others may be going through a difficult time and that your instinct is to help them through it rather than use it against them. It is an admirable quality that FX hopes you keep through the years.

Signed: TeenHealthFX