TeenHealthFX - Answers - Hates Her Mom 4 Ever

Dealing With Divorce, Step-Parents and Step-Siblings / Question
Published: April 16, 2003

Dear TeenHealthFX,

My mom has filed divorce. I have talked to my dad about it and we feel the same way: it's wrong. Also i have little 7 year old sister (who i mostly hate) who doesn't even know about the divorce. I think its wrong they wont tell her but it's not my decision. But most is problem of this is my mom has gotten meaner since she filed. I say i hate my mom and i know nothing will change because she doesn't want me so what should i do to make her stop the divorce and like me again?

Signed: Hates Her Mom 4 Ever - Parent's Getting Divorced

Dear Hates Her Mom 4 Ever - Parent's Getting Divorced,

It is very difficult to deal with the end of their parents' marriage. The important thing to remember is that even if your parents decide that they can no longer be married, this does not have to affect the relationship that you have with either of them. And, even though the divorce does not make you happy, there is nothing that you can do to stop it. Their divorce is not your fault. Divorces are even more difficult when one person in the marriage does not want a divorce. While talking with your parents about your feelings is important, it was inappropriate for your father to let you know his feelings about this situation. This is something that he needs to discuss with your mother, not you. You are correct that how your parents handle your little sister is not your decision. They are probably trying to spare her feelings, and to wait until the appropriate time to tell her. Until final decisions are made, small children may get confused while parents work out the details of the divorce.

Now, to address the concern about your mother getting meaner since she filed for divorce. Parents are not perfect, they make mistakes, and when they get upset they may say things that are hurtful. Your mother is going through a lot right now, and has made some major decisions that has probably really stressed her out. This does not give her the right to take her frustrations and anger out on you by yelling at you. It is possible that she will be less stressed once the divorce is finalized. She may be worried about how she will raise you and your sister as a single parent, or how her failed marriage will affect you and your relationship with your father. Maybe showing your mother this letter, will let her know that her words are hurting you. Share how you feel about the situation, and attempt to come up with realistic solutions that works for all of you. You are not going to change her decision, but you may help her to become more aware of how her behavior is affecting you.

Your guidance counselor or a trusted adult may be able to offer you additional tips for dealing with your parents divorce, and there may even be a support group in your area for children of divorced parents. Ask your mother or father to help you find a group where you can meet with other teens that are going through similar situations.

In addition, sometimes people who are dealing with the divorce of their parents need to talk to a professional to help them sort out the issues. A therapist may be able to help you gain some perspective about the situation as well as deal with your feelings. Mention this to your parents as well and see if they can link you up with these services to (they can call your local hospital for a referral to a therapist).

Signed: TeenHealthFX